


Octoquantum

by Hufflepuff_Donkey



Category: James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Vampire!James Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 30,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25913155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hufflepuff_Donkey/pseuds/Hufflepuff_Donkey
Summary: Most people know James Bond as a charming, fearless and overall amazing spy-guy who wins at everything in under 150 minutes. But what about the people he works with at the MI-6? What about all those extras you only see for a second or two? What about the crocodile submarine Q has elected to forget about? This is the story of all those people who were not hired to manage James Bond on a daily basis but who still come in to work every day to do the paperwork he left on their desk with a little sticky note that says "Moneypenny please fax these to the Ministry of Defence 06-879 will you. Will bring souvenir from Russia. -The Spy who loves you ;-)".(Written exclusively on those mornings where I experience overwhelming sleep-drunkenness.)
Relationships: James Bond/Bill Tanner
Kudos: 2





	1. Hatrhow Airport

“Bond, James Bond.”

Bond smiled. He liked the way his eyebrows moved seductively when he said his name out loud. He grabbed his toothbrush, added some toothpaste to it and started brushing his teeth. The radio on the shelf announced the time: 10pm. Bond had just come home from the MI-6 office CHrstmas party and was now ready for be. He was leaving for the airport early in the morning and wasn’t particuarlu keen on missing his flight again. A second time in two months would not look goood on his record and he _really_ wanted to be employee of the year this time.

Once his teeth looked as white as the teeth from the commercials, Bond splashed some afterschave on his left chin and rubbed his face with a cloth. _Looking sharp as walways_ , he thought. _Nice_.

Bond’s bed was huge. He had bought the biggest bed they sold at IKEA to make room for all the women he fucked, since sometimes there were several women at the same time. This was never shown in the movies, only hinted at, since the creators, even though they wanted everyone to know how much of a chad Bond was, were way too conservative and British to actually showw a threesome on film. Bond got under the covers and reached for his phone. He had saved several audiobooks on Spotify to fall asleep to; tonight though he only wanted some calm, relaxing music. He put on a playlist called “JAmes Bond Theme Songs 1962 - 2020 by Spotify USA” and fell asleep to the relaxing sounds of the classic James Bond theme song with exploding Pauken in the background.

***

“I’m so tired, you wouldn’t believe it”, Bond said. “I had to get up so fucking early to catch this flight - is there any way to get it moved to a later time maybe?”

The woman behind the check-in counter sighed, and so did the fifteen people in the queue behind Bond.

“Please, sir”, she said as politely as she could since she wasn’t about to lose her job because of a dumbass like Bond. “I really only asked for your boarding pass and suitcase.”

“But that’s exactly it!” Bond exclaimeD. “I got up so early that i forgot my suitcase & left my boarding pass at home. But you know whow traffic is at Hatrhow these days, especially at this hour of the day. But I swear I’m booked for this flight, real-”

Bond didn’t get to finish his sentence. The woman behind him had lost patience (she was now runnning late despite arriving at the airport 5 hours before closing of the gates for her flight) and shoved Bond to the side. The woman behind the counter looked relieved and sstarted the check-in procedure for the woman. Bond got up and grunted. There was no way he was getting anywhere near that woman again (his ribcage was still hurting) so he crawled under the ribbon and started queueing at another counter. He tried four counters until someone from security explained to him that you can’t board a plane without a boarding pass (it’s in the name), and I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. Once he was back outside the airport he checked his phone. There was a single text from Moneypenny.

> “Heathrow airport security just called - tf are you doing??? GATWICK!!!”

Bond sighed. Every time he had a plane to catch Moneypenny would start sending him texts that were clearly meant for Agent Gatwick, who must’ve been working in a completely different section since Bond didn’t know him. Oh well. He walked over to the taxi stand and waited for a taxi home. 


	2. POor fucker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Hatrhow airport disaster, Bond meets with M to talk about what's next.

From where he was sititng in the waiting room , Bond could hear M complaining on athe phone about an agent that seemed to have fucked up very badly. He couldn’t hear her exact words but she seemed like she’d had enough with him and was about to fire him. Lol, Bond thought. POor fucker.

“I’ll call you back whenn I’m done with him”, he suddenly heard her say. “I’m calling that bastard in now. Wish me luck. Bye.”

Bond giggled and hoped he’d have a chance to see the guy when e walked over to the door to get destroyed by M. What happened next was not what he had expected.

The matelas door to M’s office opened and M’s head peeked out. She looked straight at Bond and sighed “come on in, Bond”.

Bonnd was shocked. This could only mean one thing - M’s office had a secret back door for the shit agents like the one m had just been talking about. He was called in through the normal door, the shit agent (maybe Gatwick, he suddenly deduced cleverly) had been called in through that secret door of shame.

Bond stood up and followed M into her office. He sat down in one of the chairs and waited for his new assignment, hoping with all his might that it wouldn’t involve taking a plane.

“Bond”, M said gravely. “Your employment with us has been… well, it’s not been going well lately. Or ever.”

“Wait”, Bond said. “This is a performance review meeting?”

M cleared her throat. She was visibly britishly embarrassed.

“No, actually”, she sighed. “It’s a fire meeting. A meeting where you get fired.”

“What???” Bond cried. “It can’t be!! What abaout the other agent, the shitty one??”

M frowned. Of all the reactions she’d expected, invoking a “shitty agent” had been pretty lw on the list.

“Who, please?”

“The shitty agent!!” Bond continued. “The one you told the person you were on the phone with that you were going to call in next, and that came in through the secret back door for shit agents to be swiftly fired and subsequently eliminated by you or one of your minions!! That shitty agent!!”

“Oh my GOD” yelled M in despair and frustration, “this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. YOU are fired! YOU were the one I was talking about on that phonecall you illegally eavesdropped on! YOU are the shitty agent, Bond! It’s ALL YOU!”

Bond said nothing. He was in shock, this time 100%. Soon enough though, he regained his composure.

“You will pay for this”, he said coldly. “I swear, I’ll make you pay.”

He got up and walked over to a door. Before he could open it M said:

“Bond! Not this door! That’s the door to the shark tank trap for tax collectors & estate agents!”

Bond nodded and went over to the actual door to Moneypenny’s office without another word. As he passed Moneypenny’s desk, she called his name. He turned abround.

“I’m finishing up on your unemployment papers - your last information form states that you’re married, is that correct?”

Bond thought back to Tracy and their marriage of approx. 37 minutes.

“No”, he finally said, cold with grief and anger. “I’m a widower.”

Moneypenny’s eyes widened as she heard this, but she said nothing and stampfeled the papers. Handing them to Bond, she cleared her throat.

“Do you know what a Job Centre is?”

“Guess I’ll find out soon enough”, Bond said.

And with that, he was gone.


	3. I love bread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Bond is out of a job, he's got to find a new one. What's a CV? Where could he get references from? And why do people hang up on him when all he did was ask why their job requires any qualifications?

Bond crossed another item off his list. There weren’t many left. He sighed, soook his head, and dialeld, another number on his phone. Soon enough someone picked up.

“Johnson’s Bakery?”

Bond glanced at his notes.

“Hi, the name’s Bond, James Bond. I’m callig about the position as baker you adverstised in the papers?”

“Oh, sure”, the voice on the other end of the line said. “The shop’s not too busy right now. DO you have a CV you could drop bu, with refenrences and all?”

Bond frowned.

“A hwhwat?”

“A CV”, said the other voice, slowly and clearly. “So we can look at your qualifitcations and references before we make any decision.”

“I really have no idea what you’re talking about”, Bond said, still confused. “Maybe I could give you my qualifications over the phone while I figured it out?”

There was a brief sile ce during which Bond could hear a customer ordering in the background.

“Uh, sure, yes”, the employee fianlly said. “Where did you do your studies?”

“Eton”, Bond said. “Although i got expelled before I could even hope to graduate.”

“Wait, you studied bakery at Eton?”, the voice repeated.

“No, of course not”, Bond replied. This employee had clearly woken up very early.

“So were DID you study bakery then?”

“I didn’t”, Bond stated, as if the question itself was the most ludicrous thing he’d ever heard.

The employee gave up. Dealing with weird dudes looking for a job was Gary’s descrioption, not theirs.

“Alright, what do you think makes you quaified for the position here a t the bkery?”

Bond thought about it for a moment, since he hadn’t bothered to think about it before dialing the bakery’s number.

“Well, for one, I love bread”, he started. 

He didn’t finish his trail of thought; the call had disconnected. Bond shrugged and dialled the last number on his list. If that one din’t work out he’d have to find out about the Job Centre.

_“Casino Monte-Carlo, bonsoir, que puis-je faire pour vous?”_

Bond cleared his throat.

“Bonsoir, je vous appelle au sujet de l’annonce pour le poste de chef de table chez votre casino, je souhaite être condidat.”

Not bad for someone who hadn’t spoken a word of French for five-ish years, he thought.

_“Très bien, mOnsieur. C’est le service ressources humaines qui s’occupe de ça, je vous transmets. Bonne soirée.”_

Bond jived to Vivaldi’s Spring for a few minutes before someone picked up again.

_“Bonsoir, service des Ressources humaines, comment puis-je vous aider?”_

“Bonsoir”, Bond said, already exhausted by these last few french minutes, “je vous appelle pour le poste de chef de table chez vous, pour être condidat?”

_“Ah, oui, bien sûr”_ , the French voice said. _“Est-ce que vous nous aviez déjà fait parvenir une candidature par le passé ou est-ce la première fois que vous nous contactez?”_

Amazing how French makes it sound like you’re dying, Bond thought.

“Non, c’est le premier fois”, he simply replied.

_“D’accord. Je peux avoir votre nom?”_

“Bond. James Bond”. He was starting to love this job-hunting thing, there was no way he could ever justify saying his name so many times when he was alone in his bathroom.

_“D’accord, un instant, s’il-vous-plaît.”_

The employee started typing on a keyboard. Bond played the Vivaldi music from earlier in his head. Suddenly the employee started speaking again, in English this time.

“Mr. Bond, you are on my list ‘ere, ze list of ze peeple not allowed in our casino”, he said. He sounded so tired. “I am sorry but we cannot consider your application at zis time.”

“Oh well”, Bond sighed. “Merci con même.”

He hung up the phone and crossed the last item off his list with a sigh.

“Well”, he said to himself, “guess it’s the JOb Centre then. I suppose they’re not open 24/7, so when do they open…”

He googled the nearest Job Centre. It opened at-

“9.26?? And they close at 10.14?? What a joke!”

Bond threw his phone to the floor. Thankfully it didn’t break. He stood up and went to bed. Tomorrow was goignt to be a long day.


	4. Vodka elmon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a very tiring day at the Job Centre, Bond goes to the pub to relax.

“They didn’t have anything for me”, Bond exclaimed & downed his vodka elmon in one gup. “I can’t believ they iddn’t have anything. Not even one offer. Can you believe it?”

The barman who ha d just finished cleaing a batch of glasses looked up ana shook his head.

“Aw, dudde, thats sucks. What kind ofn job are you lucking for?”

“Intelligence & espionnage”, he sighed. “My background is mostly in foreign ntelligence and field work but I’m willing to switch to counterillegince or industrial stuff if I have to.”

The barman stared at him, not sure if he sould laugh or not. He decided not to laugh, just in case that dude who’d been downing vodka lemons for the past hour was nuts and had a gun or something.

“You’re telling me you’re a spy?” he asked cautiosly, doing his best not to giggle. “Why the hell does a spy go to the Job Centre?”

Bond looked up.. His eyes were wet with shame and tears.

“Because I need a job, there’s nothing wrong witht that”, he wined.

“No yeah I got that part”, the barman said. “But why are you out of a job?”

Bond looked down at his empty vodka lemon and for a moment, said nothing.

“That’s none your business, John”, he finally said.

“Tim”, the barman said.

“Whatever”, Bond said dismisselvy. “Give me another”.

“You sure? You’ve had thirteen already.”

“So what?” Bond snapped. “I need to recover from my day at the Job Centre.”

The barman muttered a compassionate “fair enough” and started making the drink. The bar was still empty at hti times of the day; no one who hadn’t spent the day fighting at the JOb Centre needed a drink at 3.30. Tim had only opened the door fro Bond because he’d been hammering on the door for half an hour and Tim didn’t want any more etrouble whit his shitty neigbours.

“One vodka lemon”, Tim said when he was done and slid the drink over to bond.

“Thanks, Roger”, Bond slurred.

“Still Tim.”

“If you insist.”

Tim sighed and went back to cleaning dishware. For a few minutes there was no sound other than the faint echo of a football match on SkyReplay and the rhytmic squeaks of a cloth on glass.

“DO you think I’ll ever manage to find another job?” Bond finally asked in a tiny voice. His eyes looked glassy. He seemed to be asking Tim as much as himself.

“Look, I don’t know you”, Tim replied, “but I’m sure-”

“I’m an idiot”, Bond whispered. “I’d been working there for so long and I lost track of the fact tjat they could fire me. I’m such an idiot.”

HE started crying. There was nothing Tim could do, so he went back to his cleaning. Soon enough Bond was sobbing into his drink. _Shame_ , Tim thought, _that’s a nice Belvedere._

“How long did you work at your old job?” Tim asked, more to protect the drink than out of genuine interest.

“Since 1951”, Bond said, and cried some more while TIm wondered how old this man sitting at the bar could be.

A few minutes later Bond had regained his composure and finshed his now savoury vodka lemon. he fished around in the pockets of his jacket for change and put a few bills on the counter. Tim gave it a quick glance to check that it roughly fit what Bond owed him.

“Thank you, Clarence”, Bond said.

“Okay, this one is absurd but whatever”, Tim sighed, frowning in disbelief. “Have a good one.”

“You too”, Bond said.

He exited the pub and walked down the street towards his flat. He was knackered and needed a nap. He was just turning a corner when two figures grabbed him and threw him into a passing van whose door was open. He felt a cloth infused witht the horribel smell of chloroform on his face, and his consciousness faded away into nothingnness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, Bond has been kidnapped! Who are the men who took him and who are they working for? Find out in the next chapter of OCTOQUANTUM!


	5. HPM VHUD ZRUO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being kidnapped on his way home, Bond faces his nemesis. There's only one problem - he can't for the life of him remember who that is.

Bond was pushed into a room, sat down in a chair where the men attached his hands to the the armrests with ropes, and left there. He couldn’t hear anything for a while. Then a door aopened; he heard two sets of feet, one far away at the other end of the room and one closer. Someone ripped away the bag he had on his head and for a moment he oucldn”t see. When his eyes had adjusting to the neon light, he saw a man sittign at the desk a few meters away. He was bald and had no hair. His eyeborws looked annoyed, his eyes were blue as ice. When the man looked up, Bond realised that he knew this man. He just couldn’t remember from where.

“Hello, Mister Bond”, the man boomed. “Velcome to my little headkvarters. I hope my men vere not too rude vis you, I vould hate for you to have a negative first impression. Or raser, a negative second impression.”

The man’s eyes sparkled with eveil. Bond tried to get an idea of where they were from thigns that were in the room but it was impossible.

“Your men administred the chloroform very politiely, thank you”, Bond snarked, “and I only have mild bruises from the abduction. All in all, I would rate this service a solid 4 out of 5 on tripadvisor.”

The man clapped.

“Ah, perfect!”, he exclaimed, “I must remember to give KOnrad & Reiner a raise.”

“Good for them”, Bond said in a flat and frankly uninterested voice.

“Now, Mister Bond”, the man said, “let’s get to the serious business. Do you know who I am?”

He slowly walked around his desk and leaned against it, being now much closer to Bond, who was trying to figure out who his kidnapper was even though he couldn’t reach his glasses in his left front pocket. HE sqinted very hard but to no awail.

“Come on, Bond”, the man continued, “think back to your time in Svitzeraland… You learned to ski in Kitzbühel shortly after that, didn’t you?”

Bond nodded, slowly coming to a horrible conclusion pertaining to the identitiy of this here man.

“O- Oberhauser? Hannes?” he finally uttered. “Beest doo ahs?”

The man instantly became red in the face and hit the desk with his right hand.

“No!” he shrieked, “who the hell is Hannes Oberhauser?!”

Instant relief whashed over Band. Had this man indeed been Hnnnes Oberhauser, Bond would’ve been in big trouble. But the man’s walk and the way he leaned against the desk should have tipped him off: he didn’t look anything like Christoph Waltz.

“Uh, no one”, Bon quiclly said. “But _who are you?_ ”

THe man loooked down for a second, then pointed to the huge frame on the wall behind him. Bond squinted even harder. The painting in the frame was entirely composed of letters. They were huge and so Bond had little trouble reading them: HPM VHUD ZRUO. Bond looked back to the man, expecting an explanation.

“You really don’t remember, do you?” the man hissed. “Venn you were learning to ski, did anything out of the ordinary happen? Vere you maybe… trapped in an avalanche?”

Bond gasped. Now he knew who this man was.

“Goodness me!” he exclaimed. “Hans-Popcorn Morgenstern Von Hie und Da Zu Recht Und Ordnung! It really is you!”

The man gave a hint of a smile, but not much more.

“They told me you were dead”, Bond continued. “They told me Hannes and I had been the only survivors.”

“They lied”, Hans-Popcorn said bitterly. “They found me in a small cave three days later. Vhen I got out of there you had already left. I suppose they never bothered to update you.

Bond didn’t know what to say, but tried anyway.

“You were a really good skiing instructor”, he started, “and if I’d had the opportunity I would have given you a great tip at the end of the course.”

HP’s eyebrows flew up and he looked straight at Bond.

“Oh WOW”, he said, “I don’t know vat I expected but this tops everything. Wow. I don’t even know vat to say. Ich glaub ich krieg die Krise.”

“Beet-uh neesht”, Bond said.

“Shut up”, HP replied. “The plan is as follows: you alvays escape because people do big speeches and leave you to die an elaborate but slow death. So I’ve decided I’m going to shoot you.”

“What?” Bond said, suddenly panicked.

HP grabbed a gun on his desk and aimed at Bond, who could barely see anything. Before he even heard the gunshot he was sitting motionless in his chair. Blood started soaking his shirt. Hans-Popcorn Morgenstern Von Hie und Da zu Recht und Ordnung had aimed for the heart, and he had not missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this the end of James Henry Forward Bond? Find out in the next chapter!


	6. Mr. Bond is not dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being shot by Hans-Popcorn Morgenstern von Hie und Da zu Recht und Ordnung, his former skiing instructor, Bond is in a critical state.

Moneypenny wondered if yi would be in ad taste to start playing Candy Crush now. SHe was really bored and had already rread through every magazine she’ d beneen able to find within a radius of 2 rooms. She decided to wait a little longer; if there was still no news in 20 minutes, she’d grab her phone and try level 125 again.

This didn’t happen. A few minutes later The doors opened and M walked in. _I always forget how small she is_ , Moneyenny thought with a chuckel. She stood up to greet her tiny boss.

“How is he?” M asked, her long coat swirling around her like a deadly weapon; a few nurses had to duck to avoid the razor-sharp razor blades hidden in its edges.

“He’s still in surgery”, Moneypenny dutifully reported. “They wouldn’t telll me much more, only that he was barely alive when he was brought in.”

“Well, let’s hope he makes it through, shall we”, M said solemnly.

They both sat down in the uncomfortable waiting room chairs. M instatnly whipped out her phoen and started playing ANimal Crossing: Pocket Camp. Having seen this out of the corner of her eye, Moneypenny breathed a sigh of relief, got out her own phone and opened Candy Crush.

Several hours later a surgeon walked out the clap-clap doors and called for anyone who was here for Bond, James Henry Forward. Moneypenny didn’t have many moves left and had to focus, so M raised her hand for the both of them and the surgeon walked over to where they were sitting.

“Good evening”, the surgeon said, “are you relatives of the dec- of Mr. Bond?”

“No”, M replied. “I’m his boss and the lady next to me is his coworker. Bond hasn’t got any living relatives. His next of kin are the porcelain dog on my desk and his flat.”

The surgeon was exhausted from the surgery and for once, she thought, she was allowed to update people who weren’t next of kin about a patient.

“That’ll do”, she said. “Mr. Bond is not dead, as you might have deduced from my slip-up earlier. HE was brought in with a gunshot wound to the chest and he’d lost several jerricans of blood. It looked very bad. On closer observation though, we found that the bullet had missed the heart through an incredibly lucky circumstance; Mr. Bond was carrying his glasses in his heart pocket, and their metal frame deflected the bullet just enough to avoid killing him on the spot.”

Just at that moment Moneypenny finished her level and let out a heartfelt “YES!!”. The surgeon continued..

“Unfortunately the glass shattered in the process and is acting like shrapnel. It is disseminated around the heart and treatening to perforate it at any moment. There was only one way to keep Mr. Bond alive despite this.”

M could tell the surgeon was anxious about telling them these news.  
“What did you do?”

The surgeon looked around the room for a second, then back to M and Moneypenny.

“We had to install a titanium cavity into Mr. Bond’s chest. And into this cavity we inserted a glowing magnetic battery that creates a stabilized magnetic field around Mr. Bond’s heart, keeping the glass at bay at any moment.”

M’s left eyebrow flew up.

“Since when is glass impacted by magnetic fields?”

“Mr. Bond’s glasses were manufactured in the 1950’s”, the surgen explained. “In those times they were crazy about metal, they’d would put metal anywhere… Even cereal. And, well, the glass parts in glasses.”

M mumbled an unconvinced noise.

“Mr. Bond is being wheeled into the waking up place”, the surgeon announced. “I’ll let you meet him there and come see you later for a check-up.”

She left. M and Moneypenny gathered there thigns and walked to where Bond was being installed.

“Your mistrust of Bond paid off”, Moneypenny said when they were in the evelator. “Posting an agent in Bond’s street saved his life.”

“I hope that wasn’t a mistake”, M said. “He’ll proably want his job back when he wakes up and sees us.”

Moneypenny turned to look at her boss.

“Don’t you think he deserves it?” she asked. “He’s shown initiative, he tried to find work, he even went to the JOb Centre, _he actually went_.”

“No”, M said, still facing the elevator door. “I don’t think he deserves it.”

Moneypenny frowned and looked back to her Candy Crush stats.

“But that doesn’t mean I’m not considering hiring him back”, M said.

The doors pinged and opened. They both walked out and started looking for Bond’s room.


	7. The story of the surgery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bond regains consciousness and finds himself in the waking up place of a hospital. How will he react when M and Moneypenny tell him about what happened? And, more importantly, will he get his job back?

“Where… am I?” Bond whisperd. HIs eyes fluttered like a bttterly wing for a second, then they opeend for real. His viison was blurry; alll he could see was white hair & Candy Cruh souds. Suddenly he was wawar of somehting in his throuat and started chking .

“Nurse!”, he heard a voice call from far, far away. His mother, perhaps? No, he thought, remembering thay his mother and succombed to the Swiss alps about a hundred ears earlier .

He felt the thing in his throat go and the comotion was over . His viison was better now. The woman he’d thought was his moter had white hair; it was M.

“M”, je whispered.

“Yes, Bond”, she rpelied, “it ‘s me.”

“Where am I?” he aked again.

“St. Thomas Hospital, waterloo.”

“Ah”, he said.

There was someone else with her. M focused very haerd and eventuelly recognized her: it was Moneypnenny.

“Hi Moneupenn”, he said, tryig to sound flirty but not too much since M was right there and obviousl not aware of their flirting thing. (Lmao)

“Hello James” ,she said. “You look like what the cat dragged in, you(‘ll have to get better soon if you want to pécho again.”

Bond laughed and howled in pain riht waway. 

“Wat happeded.” he asled them, suddnely awayre that he haad no idea how e got tho the hopital in te irst place.

“You were shot” m explained. “Right in the haert, or so they thought. You were carryig your glasses in your haert pocket & thatt’s what saved you”.

“How?”

“It deflected the bullet away from the heart. But it also caused the glass to shatter inside your chest, which means that there were now thuosand of glass shards aeger to pierce throught your heart.”

Bond swallowed & it hurt. M conitnues telling the story of the surgery.

“They had to improvise with what they had lying around i the surgery room”, M continued. She was kind of making it up but that was okay. “So they installed a tube into your chaest along with a magnetic battery that keeps the shards away from yoru heat magnetically. It glows. Look down.”

Bond did as he was told. In the middle of his chets he saw a round metl thing; it emitted a soft, cold light. He was devastasted.

“How will I ever be able to work again?? Surely I can’t run witht this thing???”

M and Moneypenny glanced at each othre, then m explained to Beond the plan that had been hatching in hteir brains.

“Probably not”, she repleid. “But I have reconsidered your whole employment situation and I’m hereby officially offering you a job with us, just not the one you used to have.”

Bond’s eyes lit up with both excitment and suspicions. Moneypenny wondered if there wasn’t a bit of pinkeye in there as well.

“We’re offering you the position of secreterary to Q.”

Bond started couhging. M almost called nurse but then he gtot better.

“Are you joking?”

“I wish I were, but I’ve found that the sight of your face renders me unable to feel any positive emotion and thus, to crack jokes”, M sihged. “We’ll sign the contract here, in a week or so, and you’ll start your job as soon as your recoeryvy is completely. What do you sau?”

Bodn thought about it. He needed a job to py th bills. But also, scerecertay to Q?? Oh well, he thought, no one said I wasn’t allowed to rise to the top withing the MI-6.

“Thank you for this offer” , he croaked, “I appreciate the oopportunity and I would love to be back at the MI-6.”

“Perfect!” M said and clapped once. “Well’ be backk in a week witht the contract. Until then, try not to kill anyone or break anythgin ,will you?”

She didn’t wait for his answer and turned aruond to leave; Moneypenny reflexibely ducked to avoid the blades.

“See you soon, James”, she purred. “I loook forward to sending you for coffee.”

She winked at him and left. Bond sighed. He was back at work, that was a good thing; but it was a shit position, so maybe not that good. He’d think about thaat later. the TV was on and they were showing “the weakest link”. Bond called a nurse to turn up the volume and spent the rest of the day yelling at the candidates to “say “bank”, for God’s sake!!!”.


	8. Moneypennn sent me for coffee, Sir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now recovered from his surgery, Bond is back at the MI-6 working the desk job he was offered by M. Unfortunately for Bond, it turns out that office life is much more dangerous than any field mission could ever be...

# 18 MONTHS LATER

Bond added a little hat to his doodlge. THe lat now looked ike a real detetcive. He drew some wild spirals arond it since he had no more doodling ideas, and he was about to self-hypnotise himself by accident when Moneypnenny’s voice croaked out of the speaking device on his deks.

_“Will ou be se kind and bring us two frappucinos, soy milk, one dash of espresso, no cream? Thank you James.”_

Bond cursed and grunted. He was off work in 12 minutes. Running to the Starbucks and back would take at least 16 (not counting the line and the order itself) and he’d end up clocking out much later than expected. And he had plans for tonight.

He pressed the little button he’d labeled “speak” with a sticky note and said:

“Of course, I’ll be right there.”

Expecting no answer, he put on his jacket and grabbed his wallet. On the way out he met Tanner, who gave him a sorry look. Bond had never really cared about Tanner while he was on field duty. Now that he was just one of the office people, he finally understood what Tanner had to endure every day of his secreteary job to M.

Just as he was passing secrutity check at the main entrance, he bumped into Q who was enteering tje building holding a gun. Well, he was _trying_ to enter the building, since the secrutiy guard inssisted that Q was not on the list of people allowed in with a weapon of any kind.

“You do realise that my office is full of weapongs, young man, and that even if I _didn’t_ enter the building with a gun I could still blow it to peices from the inside?”

 _Ouch_ , Bond hthought. _That’s not how you convinve securitu to let you in._ and indeed, the guard had taken out his radio and was asking his supervisor for confirmation that this old man wasn’t a nutcase trying to get in. Bond walked over to his now boss.

“Problems, Q?” he asked witha smile.

“That’s none of your business, Bond” Q barked back. “And anyway, why the hell are you leaving? Your worday has not ended yet, unless your contract miraculously rewrote itself while I was having a smoke.”

Bond’s armits started sweating and his heart became a bit too jolly.

“Uh, Moneypennn sent me for coffee, Sir”, he stammered. He knew very well that Q hated it when someone stole his assistants, but he knew no other way to avoid his anger.

“Oh, _did she?_ ” Q asked, one eyebrow up in a way that didn’t seem physiccly possible. _Maybe it’s a gadget_ , Bond thought. “And you said yes and you were just about to run to that youth café on the corner?”

“It’s called Starbucks, Sir. It’s not really a youth café, everyone can-”

“I don’t care!!” Q yelled. More than a few people in the hall turned a ournd and for a second all conversation stopped; the guard who’d been radioing his supervisor was startled very badly. “I don’t care which café you were planning to go to”, Q continued, “because you are turning around right now and fucking bacck off to your desk.”

“But Sir”, Bond attempted, “Moneypenen only asked for-”

The pure fire of death that he saw burning in Q’s eyes made the words die out in his mouth. He sighed and turned around to walk back to the elevator. There, he met Tanner again.

“Should I warn you next time?” was all Tanner said.

“No”, Bond repleid weakly, “it’s a learning experience I needed to have.”

Tanner nodded in approval. They boarded the same elevator. Bond pushed the button for the 7th floor, then looked at Tanner.

“9th”, Tanner said. Bond pushed the button for the 9th floor also. They rode in silence. Bond got off at his floor and walked back to his desk. He was already rehearsng an explanaion for Moneypenny, which he gave to her as soon as he was back in his office.

“I’m very sorry”, he said into the machine while pushing the button marked “speak”, “but I was not able to get any coffee for you as my supervisor from the gadget & weapons section was very clear about the fact that i am not to be employed as secretery by anyone who isn’t mentioned in my contract as my supervisor.”

Then he waited. Moneypenny was on the 9th floor so she wouldn’t come tell him off in person. A few seconds passed before the machine started creaking.

 _“Thanks for trying, James”_ , Moneypenny’s voice said. _“We’ve got an emergency espresso machine here, don’t worry about it. Good evening.”_

Bond sighed in relief and leaned bakc into his chair. In 3 minutes he’d be allowed to leave for the day. He’d been fidgeting around for a minute when he noticed there was somethign in the left pocket of his jacket. He fished it out; it was a folded piece of paper.

Bond frowned. He didn’t remember leaving the dry cleaner’s ticket in his jacket. He pulled his desk lamp closer and put on his glasses, then he unfolded it.

_TANNER_ _07958 876239_

Bond smiled. His plans for the night had just gotten much better.


	9. thanks Tanner 4 my lyfe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another after hours text conversation through which we learn, among other things, that Bond doesn't know how to use Excel.

**Me**

HEy. I found ur number.

**Tanner**

urrray! wasnt sure u would - thought u’d

seen me put it in there actually

**Me**

nope, gettitng yelled at by q must have

shortcircuite d my vigilance, haha

**Tanner**

sorry to have taken advantage of that

circumstance. wanna go out for drinks tonight?

**ME**

sure! there’s a band playing at my usual pub tonight

& i wa s planning to attend, wanna come with?

**Tanner**

sounds great! have u left the office already?

**Me**

no, still at my desk, something came up

**Tanner**

ok, should I want for you or do we meet at the pub?

**Me**

if youre still heere u could come up, everyone

else is gone and i’m all on my own :’(

**Tanner**

uhhhhhh

**Tanner**

hold on M here gimme 2 min

**Tanner**

ok she’s left i’ll be down in a few minutes

**ME**

no need to hurry i’m still working anyway

**Tanner**

i could help u if u need any help?

**Me**

its boring excel stuff but if you’re into

that sure haha

**Tanner**

i am very much into excel stuff, as it happens

**Me**

wait what

**Tanner**

i was initially hired as a statistical analyst

& data manager

**Me**

that is exactly what i need right now, come over

to my office i just got a pop-up that says things

**Tanner**

packing up right now, be there in 2

**Me**

thanks Tanner 4 my lyfe

**Tanner**

you do realise that tanner isnt’t my

first name right

**Me**

this is embarrassing but what is your first name

**Tanner**

william

**Me**

for real????

**Tanner**

yeah everyone calls me Bill, including M

when she’s on the phone with you

**Me**

god Tanner i’m so sorry

**Tanner**

never mind i’m coming over


	10. Crashing on the dirty shores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanner helps Bond with his computer problems - and accidentally stumbles on one of Bond's best kept secrets. Will Bond reveal his true identity?

Bon looked up at Tnanner who was leaning over him to reach the computer mouse & dashboard keyboeard and smiedl.

“Thanks for fixing that issue, Tuanenr”, he said.

Tanner snorted.

“There wa s no issue, Bond”, he replied a tad mockingly. “You just forgot to switch ceellls and wrote everything ito the first A1.”

“Tannner”, Bond said very seriously, “whenn I learned to work on a computer it was called a typewriter and there was no such ting as Excel or A1. We typed and pushed the little thingie that did the ding sound. When theere was a mistake whe rewrote it over it. That’s all I know about desk jobs.”

Tanner got slightly pale.

“When did you do your studies?” he asked with caution.

“I went to Eton when I was 12-ish”, Bond replied earestly. “That would have been around 1929.”

Tanenr sad nothing. Bond pushed his chair backwards a bit to face him. Tanner was still leaning against his desk, the Esxel file all too forgotten now.

“But -” Tanner began, trailing off right away because he had no idea where to take this sentence.

“Yes?” Bond asked.

“How long have you been 37?”

Bond took a deep breath. He hadn’t expected this to come up so quickly but he should’ve seen it coming when eh asked Tanner to help him with the computer. There was no going back now. He liked Tanner now that he’d realised that he was a real human being and not just a name M threw around her office so it would do things for her. He didn’t want to lie.

“A while”, he whispered, just loudly enough for Tanner to hear.

The office was empty and only Bond’s desk lamp was on. Night had fallen outside. This was the time when London was shrouded in fog, mystery, and a faint smell of beer. Someone, somwhere, had left a window open and Bond could hear the traffic in the distance as well as the very light sound of small Thames waves crashing on the dirty shores underneath the MI-6 building.

“I know what you are”, he heard Tanner say. His voice suddenly seemed as distant as the traffic, the waves and the beer.

Bond focused back on Tanner. This was a serious stuation.

“Say it”, he ordered. “Out loud. Say it.”

They looked each other straight in the eye. The computer made an angry windows noise but tey both ignored it - the tension was too much and the pull was too string. Tanner took a deep breath and said, after what felt like a thousand years of silence:

“A douchebag in the middle of his mid-life crisis and a dumbass.”

From the way Tanner was giggling Bond could tell that his face muts’ve looked pretty fallen apart. Bond now had a split-second to deciede whetther to tell tanner the truth about himself or to lie for the rest of his life. He cursed himself for missing this opportunity for a cheap twlight reference. _He’s right on that one_ , he thought. _I am a dumbass._

“You got me”, Bond said, making a decision. “Sorry for that, it was lame.”

“Not at all, it was a welcome joke”, Tanner said, still laughing. “I had a rotten day and it’s nice to relax a bit.”

“In that case I’ll feel free to be stupid any time”, Bond replied with a smile. “I’ll turn off the computer since we’re done here - wanna grab a bite before we go to the show?”

Tanner threw his backpack on his shoulder and looked up at him.

“Sure, I’d love to”, he said with a jolly face that looked nothing like his worksona. “Where d’you think we should go?”

“Let’s find something on the way, the area’s full of food places”, Bond said. “I’m loving your Feierabend-sona by the way”, he added.

Tanner winked.

“Right back at ya”, he said, and they both walked towards the elevators.

The ride was silent but not awkward. Bond marveled at how quickly they’d become friendly despite his former inconsideration of Tanner’s work and name. They left the building together and walked to the nearest bus stop. The air smelled of frying and spices and cars and smoke. Bond suddenly realised how hungry he felt. Tonight was going to be a good night.


	11. A ice-cold voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new villain appears. Who is he, and what does he want?

“Where is he now?” a voice said. It sounded tired and irritated.

The henchman (humber 3) typed someting into a computer.

“At a pub, in London, ENgland”, he answered.

“Whta the hell is he doing at a pub? He usually goes straight back to his flat and spends the night alone and sad.”

The handchamn cleared his throat.

“Well, he’s not alaone right now…” he said tentealtively.

“Whaat???” the voice said from the shadows. “Who’s with him??”

the hanchman zoomed in using the little wheel on the mouse.

“Am man”, he said. “Judging from what theye’re saying they’re having after wirk drinks & they’re gonna be a show of some kind.”

“What are they saying??” the voice spat.

“HOld on”, the hench said. “he’s saying, i”m so glad we came here, it’s a really nice place iinit, and the man is saying, yeah, i saw at the entrance that they also do tattoo events, that’s so cool.”

“Chit-chat!” the voice said, full of spite. “What’s happening now?”

“The show is starting”, the henchdude explained. He was using his mouse to wheel the camera around in the pub. “It’s some kind of rocjk band by middle aged men for middle aged men.”

The voice said nothing. Henchy could feel the disdain oozing from it. He was scared to say what he had to say next uut said it nonehtles.

“They’re dancing”, he said and winced.

“Tell me exactly how they’re dancing”, the voice ordered in a ice-cold voice. “Describe it.”

Henchy-denchy took a deep breath and said,

“They were dancing normally earlier, but now the band is playing a love balled.”

“ANd?”

“And now they’re dancing to that.”

“HOW???”

“He’s holding the other dude by the waist & the other dude has his arms around his neck! That’s how! How is this my job? I was hired for construction work!”

“Sht up!” the voice commanded and the hencher instantly remembered why he usually never complained about his shitty job. “I have to think.”

Again there was silence. Henchy realised he kind of felt bad for the voice. It was so focused on getting revenge on some dude for a reason that he didn’t know but seem horrible - whatever had happened between those two, it hadn’t left the voice uscathed. But it had also given him a job, so he wasn’t feeling too bad about it.

“I will hatch a plan so diabolical that I will be fully avenged”, the voice suddenly boomed. “Everything he did, he will regret tenfold when he realises whata he’s gotten himself into. And I will laugh and forever be avenged.”

Henchy knew better than to interrupt the voice’s monologues.

“Soon we will be ready to execute the plan”, the voice continued. “And then…”

Henchy heard a whirring noise. A chair slid down a giant pole behind him, until it was at ground level and his boss could stand up. Hanchy admireed this creative use of the grotto’s high ceilig.

“... I will have my revenge…”

Henchy’s boss walked over to his control panel that held all the screens and buttons, and leaned on it with two hands.

“... on William Tanner.”


	12. Drunk as a well in March

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their night out at the pub, Tanner and Bond go home. In the early morning hours, Bond is woken up by a phone call: it's Tanner, and he's not alone in his flat...

Bond and tanner stopped in frot of a big appartmenet building in Lonndond.

“That was fun”, Tanner said. “This is where I live by the way.”

“Nice”, Bond sad, looking at the bilding and noticing that tit was one shade darker in gray than his appartment building in Londond.

“I had a really good time, I hope we can go for after wrok drinks again sometime”, Tanner elaborated.

“Oh! Yes sure, of course - it was a really good evening”, Bond replied, drunk as a well in March but trying to keep it together.

Tanner must’ve noticed his wooblly walk though.

“Are you sure you don’t want _me_ to walk _you_ home?”

Bond shook his head with his whole torso.

“We’re already at your place, don’t woakr”, he said. “Illbe fine, I know where i live.”

“”THa t’s not the part o’m worrided about”, Tanner muttered, but bond didnt’t hear thaat.

THey parted with a kiss, a small one. Bond was very happy & he was even happier to see that tannner looked very happy too. Then, tanner disappeared in the building an dbond turned around to walk back to his own place. It wasn’t too far away from tanner’s which they’d never known (since bond didn’t think tanner was an actual person with an actual first name) but tought it was very funny coincidence.

The walk home was nice. The air was cold and greasy and despite the late hour the city was still as busy as ever. Bond wondered several times why they’d even bothered installing street lamps since the car flow never stopped and the headlights alone could’ve lit up an entire stadium. He passed a few restaurants that were open until ghost hour; the melody of woks and frying pans and glasses clinking was sweet to his ears. In other areas he felt grateful for the old sodium street lamps that, if he was completely honest, didn’t illuminate the streets much. _Crowd control over eyesight_ , he thought, as if that thought made sense. He walked through a small park that never closed at nigght, declining offers to buy drugs several times and wondering about the things the trees and bushes had seen over the years. He got almost run over by a car at an intersection and decided to pay more attention to traffic from then on. Half an hour after leaving Tanner’s street he was home. It felt like he’d walked for the whole night.

He dropped his keys in the bowl next to the door and swiftly took off his shoes while he was walking to his bed. He remembered to take off his work clothes to avoid crumpling them. Then he fell into his sheets, still reeking of alcohol and cigarette smoke, and fell into a deep and unrefreshing sleep.

He was woken up by the sexy moans of a woman, which was very pleasant until he realised that it wasn’t a woman but the newest version of the standard Samsung ringtone. He opened his crusty eyes and instantly the pain of his dry throat made him wince. The phone call comes second, he thought and got himself a glass of water. He drank it sslowly to avoid hrting imslef more. The phone stopped ringing. Bond looked at the time on his microwave: 6.48AM. The phone started ringing again. Bond finished his glass, put it down on the kitchen counter and walked back to his bedroom. Wh the helll was calling at this time?

Bond looked at the caller ID, expecting to see a spam number - and gasped.

It was Tanner.

Bond quickly tapped the green button to take the call.

“William?”

“James? Oh thank fuck you picked up”, he heard tanner whispering on the other end. “I need your help. There’s someone in my flat.”

Bond got out paper & pen from his nightstand drawer and started taking notes.

“Where are you right now?”

He heard nothing but silence for a second. Tanner was trying to hear the intruder.

“I’m in the kitchen”, he breathed, “under the counter, I wanted to reach the balcony but I was too slow.”

“What happened?” Bond asked, scribbling steno on his notebook.

“I don’t think they saw me”, tanner said, “but they came into the living room and there’s only a glass partition between that and the kitchen, so I ducked.”

“Are they still in the living room?”

“I don’t think so.”

“How many can you identify?” Bond asked.

“I don’t know…” Tanner’s voice cracked despite the fact that he was whispering.

“Focus, Bill”, Bond said in the reassuringly firm voice he’d learned at an MI-6 training course called “Kidnappings, Hostages & Other Negotiation Situations: How to Reassure, Persuade & Diffuse”. “How many are there?”

“Only one, I think”, Tanner hesitated. “My flat is not that big, I would’ve seen the other one by now.”

Bond wrote that down as well.

“Are they armed?”

“Yes.” Tanner’s voice trembled slightly. “They carry a Beretta and an additional PPK. Probably more stuff but I didn’t see that.”

“Everything’s gonna be okay”, Bond said. “You hear me?”

“Oh please, don’t you “Reassure, Persuade & Diffuse” me”, Tanner hissed as low as he could. “I took that course too, idiot.”

Bond chuckled despite the seriousness of the situation.

“I’ll call M”, he said. Then, after a brief moment of silence from both of them: “Er, what’s her number?”

Tanner couldn’t help but laughing - very, very silently.

“0207 0081500”, he spelled.

Bond wrote it down & dialled the number on his landline. Before anyone could pick up though, he heard a noise of glass shattering from tanner’s flat.

“Bill?” he asked, “are you alright?”

He got no reply. Then he heard voices, faint in the background but still intelligible.

“There you are”, said a voice.

“Please”, he heard tannner say. “Don’t kill me.”

“Not yet”, the voice said. “But you’re coming with me.”

“I’m wearing my pajamas!” Tanner protested. “At least let me put on some pants.”

Bond heard the intruder laugh, and then Tanner let out a horrible scream. Then nothing. The line was still open though, and so Bond withheld whatever he wanted to yell into the phone. He listened to the intruder dragging Tanner away from the phone, which they’d obviously not seen. Then everything was silent again.

Bond held back his tears for now and picked up his landline. SOmeone had finally answered the call.

“Helloooooo?” Villiers yelled. “If you’re not saying anything in 10 secnodns I’m hanging up.”

“It’s Bond”, Bond said.

“Oh God I’m so sorry”, Villiers said. “You called 5 minutes ago, what’s going on?”

Bond took a deep breath.

“Tanner was kidnapped from his flat. He called me while it was happening. The call is still open but nothing’s happening. I think they’ve left.”

He heard Villiers type on a keyboard.

“Okay”, Villiers said. “I’m calling in M for an emergency meeting. Can you join us?”

“I’ll be there in 20”, Bond said. “What do I do with the phone?”

“Don’t hang up”, Villiers replied. “I’m sending in a team, they’ll talk to you through the phone and hang up themselves. Okey?”

“Got it”, Bond said. “See you in a bit.”

He hang up and started getting dressed. His shirt from the night before was still on the floor. He picked it up and even though he knew he shouldn’t,, he smelled it. It still faintly smelled of Tanner’s cologne, Blenheim Bouquet by Penhaligon’s. Bond threw it in the dirty laundry to avoid breaking down on the spot; now was not the time, he needed to focus on the meeting. He put on a pair of jeans, a turtleneck and his leather jacket, grabbed his phone while being careful not to hang up, got his keys and left his flat.


	13. Not many Qs and even less As

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A document from the MI-6 archive regarding the meeting held on the morning of William Tanner's abduction.

**DRAFT**

**MINUTE OF MI-6 EMEERGNENY MEETING - TANNER KIDNAPPING**  
29.08.2020, MI-6 heandquarters, room 16B

**Present:**

Mrs. M, chief of the 00-section  
Mr. Villiers, assistant to M  
Commander James Henry Forward Bond, 007 & fashionista  
Ms. Moneupenny, secretary to M and author of this document.

**Absent:**

Mr. William Tanner, data analyst, chief of staff to M & kidnapped employee.

**Agenda:**

  1. Circumstances of Tanner’s kidnappement: clues & documents (writte,, audio, etc)
  2. the team’s findings on site (Tananer’s flat)
  3. Brainsotmring: how are we to proceeed?
  4. Q&A



**1.Circumunstances of Tannre’s kidnapping: clees & documents**

Commander Bond has brought a paper on which he took notes druing his call with the kidnapped person (see attached with a trombone); he has also produced his phone, from which the IT section was able to produce a recoding of the call. This recording will be analysed further in the working hours, once all the employees are here. M is hoping that from that call we might get more info on who the kidnapper is, maybe even find out who he works for - everyone agrees that the kidnapper is propable only a henchman.

**2.The eam’s finding on site (Tanner flat)**

Villiers explains that he’d told Bond not to hang up the phone until the team sent to the flat told him to. (Bond confirms that this is what he did.) Villiers then produces a report from Curnel Floppydisk, chief of bataillong of that armed division. What they found on site is this:

  1. the phone, Tanner’s phone
  2. shattered glass from when the kidnapper saw tanner in the kitchen, but not the glass partition, and walked right through it, unfortunately leaving no blood for mysterious reasons
  3. no hair, skin follicles, or any other DNA material that didn’t belong to Tanner AND was usable (Villiers notes that this doesn’t mean tanner never had any friends over, it just means that RECENTLY there was no one else in the flat)
  4. a glass of water, probably night water for tanner.



This is all the team found that could be clues. Vielers adds that the door seems to have been picked in the lock which means that the intruder didn’t have the key to tanner flat.

_(Bond looks awfully pale & i only noticed now - I hope he’s gonna be ok. Must ask him later)_

**3.Brainstorming: what do we do?**

M informs everyone again that as soon as the time is legal for people to be working in this country, the phone call will be analysed by the IT section & we will have more clues about who might’ve taken tnanner.

Bond suggests he ggo back to the flat & have a look at it himself. No objection to this.

Villiers suggests a background check (Bond doesn’t look happy at this) to see if Tanner has been doing shady things lately thaat might’ve gotten him in trouble. M agrees - Villiers will do that right after the meeting.

Bond asks that everything be done with the utmoste discretion to avoid any action from the kidnapper that might end fatally fore tanner. He says that we might want to wait for the kidnapper to contact us for ransom or similar. M replies that they might contact his fmily instead of his workplace, even though it is possible that the kidnapping might be related to tanner’s work. Villiers suggests contacting tanner’s family. M looks at him, frowns & says “of course we’ve already contacted his family, he’s been abducted for fuck’s sake - who ARE you??”

Summing up: Bond is going back tot ehe flat to investigate, Villiers will run a background check on tanner, M will be waiting for the IT section’s report on the phone call recording & Moneypenny will be fatching coffee and typing up reports, as usual.

**4.Q &A**

Everyone’s very tired so it doesn’t look like there’s gonna bbe lots of Qs and even less of As.

Villiers @ Bond: why did he call you & not us?  
Bond: I must’ve been the last person he texted. I guess he panicked and just redialed his last contact.  
Villiers: I didn’t know you two were friends.  
Bond: well, now you do.

Villiers doesn’t insist further.

Bond @ M: will you negotiate if the kidnapper turns out to contact you instead of the family?  
M: no. we dont’ negotiate with terrorists.  
Bond: he’s your chief of staff.  
M: he’s no different than any other agent to me, Bond.  
Bond: and yet you didn’t let Hans-Popcorn kill me but you’re willing to let them kill Bill.  
(Villiers chuckles at this but Bond shoots him dead with his eyes.)  
M: that’s different.  
Bond: how?  
M: not now, Bond. We can talk about this later.  
Bond: because you haven’t told them.  
M: Bond. Don’t do this. Think about what’s at stake here. Think about Tanner.

Bond says nothing and rubs his eyes.

Bond: I’ll be right back, I have to spend a penny.

Bond leaves.

Moneypenny @ Villiers: didn’t Tanner do his yearly security check just a week ago?  
Villiers: he did, yes.  
Moneypenny: why do another background check? Isn’t that a waste of time if you did one just last week? I dbout that someone would go to all this trouble if they haven’t been having a grudge against tanner for a long time - longer than a wekk, I mean.  
Villeies: i don’t want us to miss anything. Better safe than sorry.  
Moneypenny: faire enough.

M @ everyone except Bond, who’s on the loo: I think we should wait for Bond and then conclude this meeting since eeryone knows what they’ve got to do & we’re clear on where we’re going.  
Everyone agrees. Bond comes back 7 mintues later.  
M: i think, if you agree, Bond, that this meeting should be over since everyone knows what’s to do next.  
Bond agrees.  
there is no other business, The meetng is closed.

Next meeting scheduled for Aug. 31, to allow for everyone to do their work during the weekend.

_Written & signed by_   
_Moneyepenny - 29.08.2020_

ATTACHMENT  
A transcription of Bond’s notes taken during the phone call with tanner this morning from 6.48AM on. (Steno has been written out)

_Tanner = kitchen - under counter, no time to reach balcony_   
_(he can hear intruder)_   
_Intr. checked living-room then left_   
_(glass partition to kitchen!!!)_   
_Only 1 guy? 1 Beretta & 1 PPK + probably more_

_M: 02070081500_

_!!!!!!!_   
_Glass shatter_   
_Voice in background, deep_

_He didn’t see Bill’s phone_


	14. "NHS"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bond investigates Tanner's flat and experiences odd bleedings. Tanner's neighbour brings a new clue to the case.

Bond broke throuhg the yellow crime scene seal on the door and entered tanner’s flat. It felt wrong to be here snce Bill hadn’t invited him in the night before; it felt like rushing their relationship, even thouhg Bond knew that given the circumstances it was absurd to be thinking like this when he was looking throuhg the flat for clues and not breaking in like some creepy person. Still, it felt wrong to be here. Almost physically.

He first looked through the entrance, then the living room and the kitchen. The glass partition he’d heard break lay in pieces betwtenn the cuoch and the kitchen counter. Bond walked around the counter and crouched. This was where Bill hadn’t been hiding when he’d called him. At that thought Bond felt nauseous and got back up.

THe rest of the flat didn’t look like it would give him any new elements to go on. He didn’t dare enter the bedroom, it felt too much like an invasion of privacy that for some strange reason he wasn’t ready to perform even though Tanner had litteraly been kidnapped. He glanced into the study, expecting not much, but did a huge double take and went in.

The desk was overflowing very neat files, a very odd sight - especially for a desk Bill was using since he was very much in love with tidy desks. Bond got closer and saw that every file had the same name, albatros a different time frame: “NHS”.

Bond decided that he was not going to ready anything about Tanner’s medical stuff because it was none of his business. He was just looking over some of the files, though, when a drop of blood landed on the file he was looking at.

Immediately Bond’s head shot up to see who was hanging from the ceiling, waiting to fall on him & attack him. But there was no one. And then Bond felt it: it was warm and just a little more visquous than water, and it was running from his nose. He touched his face under his nostrils and looked at his red fingers. _I’m fucking bleeding on evidence,_ he thought. _What a day._

Bond got out his handkerchief and pput it to his nose. Soon enough though his eyes and ears started bleeding too. Bond ran out of the flat to keep the blood from staining anything else and sat down on the floor in the corridor.

_You’re an idiot_ , he scolded himself. _It’s gonna happen with Bill just as it happens with anyone else. Dumbass._

He patted the blood away from his skin and hair for a while, noticing the nauseau disapparering with it. A noise in the corridor startled him, and he looked up. An older woman was standing in front of what Bond assumed must have been her flat door; she had a trolley & a bag filled with vegetables and fruit and she was staring at him.

“Are you alright, dear?” she asked. She seemed genuinely concerned.

“Uh, yes”, he replied, attempting a smile. “Everything’s fine, ma’am.”

“You’re bleeding from your eyes”, she simply said. “I don’t think that it’s generally considered a symptom of _everything’s fine_. Are you injured? Did you hit your head?”

Bond automatically rubbed off more blood from his face with his handkerchief.

“There’s nothing to worry about”, he said for lack of a better reply to an old woman pointing out he was showing classic signs of a severe head injury. “I didn’t hit my head, but I’ll go to the doctor to get it checked out.”

“Good”, she smiled. “Would you like some tea in the meantime?”

“That’s very kind”, he said, “but I think it’s better if I leave and go to the doctor immediately.”

“I could bring the tea outside”, she insisted, “so you could have it in the corridor.”

“Really, you’re very kind, ma’am”, Bond said more firmly this time, “but I’ll get going right now.”

The old woman bent down to grab something in her trolley. Bond’s hand very slowly put down the handkerchief and moved over to his left side, hovering next to his holster. His heart was beating faster, which made his magnetic battery glow a bit brighter. Suddenly the old woman let out a shriek of excitment and yanked a pack of tea out of her full-to-the-brim trolley.

“I got Whittard’s new rose tea!” she exclaimed. “It was on sale at the shop next to the market. Are you sure you don’t want any, dear?”

Bond let out a long breath of relief and got up.

“I am sure, ma’am”, he said. “But I’ll make sure I’ll stop by again soon and we’ll have tea together. I’m a friend of your neigbour’s.”

The old woman frowned.

“You’re a friend of Mr. Tanner’s?”

“Yes”, Bond replied, sensing he might have hit something.

“Is he always like that?” the woman asked.

“Like what?”

“Whenever he’s in his flat he yells a lot. Sounds like he’s talkig to someone but he’s alone, I know that because I never see anyone come in before it starts. Does he yell that way with you, too?”

“No”, Bond said. “Have you ever heard a name?”

“No”, the old woman said, fiddling with her keys in the lock. “But I’ll be honest with ya, I don’t really care as long as he stops before bedtime and he alays does.”

“Well, in that case everything’s fine”, Bond replied flatly.

The door to the woman’s flat opened and she starting hauling her stuff inside, refusing Bond’s help as he motionend to help her;

“I’d still get it checked out though”, she said, pointing towards his head with her keys. “You never know with that bastard brain hiding in its box.”

“I will, I promise”, Bond said dutifully. “Have a nice day, Mrs…?”

“Redfield”, the woman said, smiling. “Ernestina Redfield.”

“Bond”, Bond said. “James Bond.”

“Have a nice day too, James”, she said, and closed her flat door behind her.

Bond looked back at Tanner’s door and thought for a second. Then he pulled out his phone and dialled Villiers’ number.

“It’s Bond”, he said after a few seconds. “I need Tanner’s phone call history for the last or so. Hm-hm. He has a landline? Well, then both the landline and his mobile. Just have it be put on my desk, I’ll be there in an hour. Thanks. You too. Bye.”

Bond put his phone back in his pocket and wiped away the last of the blood on his face. Then he pocketed the handkerchief (in a different pocket) and left.

# ***

Ernestine Redfield stepped back from her flat door and put the shutter back over the peephole. She was frowning. Leaving her groceries in the entrance for the time being, she walked over to her landline and dialed a number. Someone picked up after a few ringtones.

“It’s me”, she said into the phone. “They’re looking for him.”


	15. Frech cuisine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanner is given his first meal since he was kidnapped. We learn more about the kidnappers.

“Thank’s for calling, Auntie”, Ernest Stephen Redflied said into the phone combined. “I’ll make sure they don’t find their way to us.”

With that , he hung up the phone. Henchy heard him say a profanity in his imaginery beard. He didn’t look very happy about whatever intel he’d just received. Henchydude, in the meantime, had brought food to the little prison they were keeping Tanner in. The prison was a simple troglodyte cage built directly into the cave wall. Henchhanch thought it looked good, though he completely understood why Tanner wouldn’t be happy to be living in an architectural jewel that was also a prison.

“I’m not hungry”, Tanner muttered without looking.

“At least look at what I made”, henchy said. “It’s all homemade: eggs with mayo and a salad as an appetizer, then you’ve got a ratatouille as a main course and I tried my hand at crème brûlée for dessert. Not too bad, if I say so myslef. I’m trying my hand at Frech cuisine right now, I want to go to cooking school one day.”

Tanner looked up and frowned.

“Look”, he said, “you seem like a nice guy, but I’ve kidnapped from my house, I’m being held in a cave, and you grabbed the pair of jeans that I hate from my closet so I have to wear that now. I’m not really feeling hungry.”

Henchy looked over to Redflied who was scheming at the control panel. Then he leaned forward to speak more privately. Tanner instinctively stepped back, then got closer again.

“You should eat at least a little”, Henchy said, “cos I wouldn’t be doing my job as a henchman if I didnt have a hunch that someone’s gonna come save you soon. And when they do-”

Henchy heard his boss walking around, but not towards them. He turned back to Tanner.

“And when they do, you’ll need to ba able to do stuff. Run, jump, shoot. Not me though, ha. You get what I’m saying?”

Tanner looked him in the eye, trying to make out Henchy’s intentions. Henchy tried to say throuhg his eyes that he was tellig the truth & that the food wasn’t poisoned or anything. It seemed to work, because Tanner finally realxed and nodded.

“Okay”, Tanner said. “I’ll try your food - but I’ve been watching a lot of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares lately so be warned.”

Henchy chuckled and passed the food tray through the little clapet Redfield had designed specfifically for hat purpose. Tanner pulled it in front of him and grabbed the spoon he’d been given. Henchy patted himself on the back for makng the whole meal spoon-friendly. What a good chef he’d be.

“The eggj are nishe”, Tanner said, starting the review right away.

HEnchy took out the little notebook he always carried with him for culinary purposes & wrote down what taner said.

“Ij the mayo homemade too?”

“Yes”, Henchy said. “Worked on the first try.”

Tanner nodded, as if agreeing with Henchy while tasting the mayo. The salad seemed nice enough because tanner didn’t say anything aout it. Then he wiped his spoon on his napkin and went on to the ratatouille.

“Smells delicious”, Tanner said, and started eating it.

Henchy waited for his comments. From Tanner’s flat he could telel that his kidnapping victim had good taste - even the clothes in his closet were well-chosen, tailored and suited each other. He’d had a look in Tanner’s friedge after hitting him unsciouns and marveled at all the ingredients in there - he could tell Tanner was using them regularly from the state of the kitchen. Not messy or dirty, but used, the way kitchens are when they’re used several times a day for moderately intense to sharpshooter cooking.

“The tomatoes are nishe, where did you get’em?”

“There’s an organic market not far from here”, Henchy said before he could think about it. He felt his scalp starting to sweat from the knowledge that he’d just fucked up. But Tanner didn’t say anything; in fact he diddn’t even acknoledge the answer in any way, which Henchy took to mean that he hadn’t heard it over the machinrey. He relaxed again.

“It’s really, really, nishe”, Tanner said again, eating on. “The seasoning is right, although I would’ve salted the eggplants a bit more, and the olive oil is excellent quality. And thanks for the bread”, he added, waving a slice of baguette with a smile.

Henchman wrote those comments down. He was overall very happy that his dish seemed to be appreciate by his prisoner.

Tanner ate up the last of the ratatouille and moved on to the final course, the crème brûlée. But before he started eating that, he turned to Hanchy and asked:

“No fromage before the crème brûlée?”

Henchy gave him a sad smile.

“No, I’m sorry”, he said. “The boss allowed every other purchase but he wouldn’t sign off on any cheese for a separate cheese plate. To be fair the list started with Minschterkaas and all he knows about that cheese is that it smells like death. Which isn’t true by the way, I’m sure you’ll agree.”

“Absolutely”, Tanner said. “Shaeme. But I’ll make do with this delicious-looking crème brûlée.”

Henchu smiled and waited for feedback while Tanner took his first, second and third bite.

“Chicorée?” he asked, still chewing.

Henry let out a triumphant cackle and nodded.

“My secret ingrediant. An old woman from Lille once taught me to add this and I never went back.”

“It’s amazng”, Tanner said, smiling while he finished eating his dessert.

When he was done, he put the spoon and the napkin back on the tray and let out a satisfied sigh.

“Overall impression?” Hechy asked.

“Better than what I would’ve expected from a cell in a cave”, he said. The way he looked at Hanchy had changed. He was still smiling, but Hanchy saw the same coldness in his eyes that he’d had before the meal. Suddenly Henchy felt stupid.

“Pass the tray back through the clapet”, he said, moving over to the clapet.

Tanner did as he was told. Henchy pciked up the tray and stood up.

“Should I continue cooking for you like this?” he asked Tanner.

“You do what you like”, Tanner said. “But I want you to know one thing.”

Tanner stood up and walked to the bars of his cells, closer to enchy on the other side.

“I want you to remember this”, he breathed.

Henchy’s heart was beating faster. His knuckles turned white as he clutched the tray. He felt himself on the verge of going under in the blue sea of Tanner’s eyes.

“Please don’t ever make anything with shellfish”, he whispered. “I’m allergic to them.”


	16. Two hands and a stapler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A crucial breakthrough in the case leads Bonds one step closer to finding Tanner - but as usual, office life and past enemies have other plans.

Bond was walked into his office just an hour after calling Villiers, just as he said. e found is desk crowded with paper bits, an d upon further and closer inspection he realised tha thos wher the phone records he’d resquested. He flew up his eyebrows and sighed, put his coat onnhis office chair back, sat down, and started studying the records.

Five minuttes in, his ofice phone rang. Bond picked up.

“Bond?”

“Q here”, a trembling voice said. “Q as in, quet your ass over here, now.”

“Sorry”, Bond said, clutcing his bravery with two hands and a stapler. “I’m working on a kdnapping case, I’ll be detached to the 00-section for the duration of the investigation.”

“You’re lying”, Q spat into the phone. “No one informed me of this new- hold a second.”

Bond waited with baited breath as Q slammed the phon e on his desk and talked to someone who’d apparentyl just entered his office. Then there was horrible roar of rage and Q picked up the phone again.

“Okay Bond”, he panted. “I’ll let you do this because I have no choice. M is threatening to take my jet-powered fishing boat away. But once this is over you’ll come right back to me, and you’ll start off my cleaning that boat for a week. Understood?”

Q’s voice boomed through the voice so loud that Bond thought he might also have heard it boom in the buidling, 12 stories below.

“It’s hard not to understand, Sir”, Bond said, “since you’ve yelled it directly into the right side of my skull.”

Q started shouting some more but Bond hung up the phone. He didn’t pick it up when it rang once more.

Tanner’s phone records showed that he’d had completely unremarkable phone activity until about a year and a half ago, when he’d started to call the NHS hotline more often. A quick thought back to the files he’d seen on Tanner’s desk told Bond that this timeframe coincided with the oldest file marked “NHS”. Tanner had been calling the NHS from both his landline and his mobile phone, which indicated that he’d probably been calling from work, too. Over a period of three months the calls became more and more numerous, until it reached a point where Tanner seemed to have been calling the NHS at least once a day, with them calling back ver often too. _Very mysterious_ , Bond thought, and wrote these new informations down on a sheet of paper.

“James!” he heard a voice exclaim at the door of the open space space, and he looked up to check it out.

“Hey, Moneypenny”, he said with a smile.

She walked over to him, holding an object she seemed to be very excited about.

“Hey, I hope the investigation is going well?” she asked. “All I see are the reports so I get every new info much later than you guys.”

“We’ve got a few leads”, Bond said. “I’m looking at Tanner’s phone records right now, we’ll see if that leads us anywhere.”

Moneypenny said nothing and nodded gravely.

“I know you’re not in the mood for this, probably, but I just got it from my husband and I’m super, super excited”, she suddenly blurted out, “and maybe you could take a short break from ruining your eyesight on those tiny numbers - Mark got me a camera, an actual old-school analogue one.”

Bond put away the paper he was holding and rolled his chair around his desk to be closer.

“He did?” he said, smiling for real now. “This is amazing, and it’s got that beautiful vintage look to it, too.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Moneypenny agreed. “Wanna hold it?”

Bond instinctively recoiled, having had a good look at the camera and sensing the incident if he were to touch it.

“No, thanks”, he said, “I’d be afraid to break it somehow.”

“I’ve got a better idea then”, Moneypenny said. “I’ll take a picture of you. It’ll be the first one on the film.”

_Why. Didn’t you. Agree. To hold that thing._

“Please don’t”, Bond said. “I really don’t like it.”

“Oh come on”, Moneypenny pleaded. “I won’t show it to anyone, I promise. I just want one picture of you.”

“No, really, I don’t want you to photograph me”, he repeated as Moneypenny readied the camera and pointed it at him.

In a despereate attempt to avoid being photographed Bond lept from his chair behind his desk. Unfortunately Moneypenny interpreted this as Banter and chased him; before he could do anything about it, he heard the camera click and knew that he’d fucked up.

“Much ado about nothing”, Moneypenny said and shook her head. “What got into you there? It’s just a harmless picture.”

“What the hell?”, Bond panted, feeling the magnetic battery in his chest do overtime. “This was completely unnecessary and I don’t understand why you had to do this.”

“Oh, James”, Moneypenny said. “It’s just a picture.”

“You’re right about that”, Bond sighed. “It’s _just_ a picture.”

He sat back down and picked up his work. Moneypenny sighed, looked at her camera and then back to Bond.

“I’ll let you know when I’ve had the film developed”, she said, her voice now fainter.

Bond looked her in the eye.

“I know you will”, he said, a tinge of resignation in his voice.

Moneypenny looked she was pondering whether to apologise or not. if she was, she decided not to, and left to go back to her office.

Bond focused on his wrok again. He was still wondering what kind of business Tanner had with the NHS that required him to call them everyday and them to call him everyday. Every call lasted at least twenty minutes, at that. Bond knew no one whose heatlth problems had required them to call the NHS more than twice. And when his uncle Max had died from lung cancer the NHS hadn’t even been created yet.

The NHS number that had kept calling Tanner was aways the same one, implying that there was one NHS employee who had been assigned Tanner’s case. Maybe there was a way to find out who this employee was. Bond picked up his desk phone.

“Villiers.”

“Bond here. I’m going through Bill’s phone records and there’s one number that seems to belong to a specific NHS employee - any way to find out what that employee’s name is?”

“Sure. What’s the number?”

Bond looked at the paper and did the trombone, having forgotten to put on his glasses.

“0300 311 22 33.”

He heard Villiers write it down and waited while a keyboard made noises.

“Yup, I’ve got a name”, Villiers said. “Officially he quit a few months ago, but it seems more likely that he was let go after an NHS customer filed a complaint for incompetence. There’s no sign of him after that, I’ve checked every other database.”

Bond felt his chest pound in his chest. His mouth was suddney very dry.

“What’s his name?” he asked. A whisper was all he could produce.

“Ernest Stephen Redfield”, Villiers announced.

Bond felt like all the air had been punched out of his chest. He clutched the desk with his left hand to keep himself from falling off his chair.

“Tell me if he’s related to an Ernestina Redfield”, he croaked. Thankfully Villiers heard him on his frst try.

The keyboard clicked away. It only took a few seconds.

“She’s his father’s sister”, Villiers said. “And, Bond, her address…”

“I know”, Bond said in a hollow voice. “I’ve met her.”

“What are you going to do?” Villiers asked carefully.

“We need to bring her in and question her”, Bond said, slowly coming back to life. “There’s no way she doesn’t know anything. I’ll pick her up with a team. Tell them to meet me outside in ten minutes, there’s something I need to do first.”

Villiers agreed and Bond hung up the phone. His hand was still shaking and it took a few tries to get the phone in its place. He took a few breaths, grabbed his coat and left his office.

# ***

"Vouls yoh please close se vindow, konrad?"

Konrad did as he was told. It was hot in the drivers seat and prpbay even hotter at the back of the van. How did his boss stand that heat? It didnt help that reiner was smoking next to him. With closed windows tbe smoke would become unbearabl in no tkme.

For a while there was silence. Konrad peeked at his boss in the rear mirror a few times to check if he still looked ridiculous with his huge binoculars. He did.

Then, all of a sudden, a cry of triumph.

"Sere he is!" the old man shouted. "You two, get ready for si attack."

Reiner threw his cigarette out the window. He grabbed the black hood they'd brought and Konrad poured some cholorform on a handkerchief. Then they waited again, until their target was standing somewhere they could easily access with their new generation Mercedes Benz utility van. When his boss yelled "now!" Konrad drove the van at full speed around the corner and when they arrived at their target, the boss opened the incredibly well designed side door while Reiner pulled the man into the van and put the hood over his head. The side door clicked closed and Konrad drove faster. He gave the chloroform to his boss, who took it and asked his prisoner:

"I hope it is okay if I put some cholorform on your face, Herr Bond?"

The hood grunted.

"This really isnt the right time, Hans-Popcorn."

Hans-Popcorn von Hie und Da zu Recht und Ordnung shrugged.

"I vill take sat as a yes", he said, and stuffed the handkerchief into the hood.

Bond lost consciousness almost immediately, and the van drove off onto the M23.


	17. MISSING - James Henry Forward BOND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Villiers learns of Bond's disappearance and comes up with a plan to find him. Moneypenny discovers something strange about the picture of Bond she took.

“Therer’s no dign of Bond, SIr”, Left-handed poopsickle said.

Villiers frowned.

“Did you check outsde, Left-handed? Maybe you just missed him.”

The soldier nodded;

“We checked outside, we waited almost an hour, he never showed up, Sir.”

This was odd. Maybe Bond had a digestive disorder? Villiers was completely puzzled. He dismissed Left-Handed Poposickel & dialed M’s number on his phone. M picked up after the first ringtone.

“Yes, Villiers?”

“Bond has disappeared. He told me he’d be waiting for the team outside the building but when they got there he was gone. He’s nowhere in the building either as far as I can tell.”

He heard M think.

“Shit”, she finally said. “He seems very invested in the case, I don’t thik he left out of his own will. I think he must’ve been kidnapped.

“Again?!” Villiers exclaimed before he could help it. He quickly regained control over himself. “Ahem, sorry M. Should I start a general alert to locate Bond?”

“Yes”, M said, sounding very unhappy about this course of action. “I’m very unhappy about this course of action, but there’s no other way to find Bond.”

“Understood”, Villiers said. “I’ll issue a nationwide search order with Bond’s description. Let’s hope we can find him this way.”

“Yes, let’s”, M said thoughtfully. “Two kidnapping victims in one day is a record, even for me.”

Villiers didn’t know if he was supposed to laugh or not, so he took a pause of the correct lenght and then hung up the phone. Then he opened a Word document to start writing the search thingie about Bond.

_MISSING_

_James Henry Forward BOND_

_1.80m, ca. 76kg, brown hair, blue eyes, a scar on the back of his right hand & on his left cheek, a magnetic battery in the chest that glows_

_At the time of his disappearance he was wearing blue jeans, a black turtleneck and a brown leather jacket_

_If you’ve seen him, contact the MI-6 at 0207 0081500_

Villiers realised he had no recent picture of Bond in the database. There was no picture of him at all, actually. It’s probably stored at the Fake ID And Cover Identities Department, he thought, and shrugged. He picked up his phone and dialed Moneypenny.

“Villiers”, Moneypenny said when she icked up, “my office is literally two doors away from mine. Just jog the fuck over, it makes you look busy.”

Villiers ignored her comment because he was quite the asshole as a person.

“Moneypenny, I’m looking for a picture of Bond to put on the missing persons document for him-”

“He’s missing?!” Moneypenny gasped.

“Yeah.”

“WHy does no one ever tell me those things? SInce when is he missing?”

“A little more than an hour”, Villiers said. “I only just learned about it. Same for M.”

“In that case, yeah, okay, I get it”, Moneyoenny said. “What do you need?”

“I can’t find any pictures of Bond in our database and I don’t want to compromise the Fake ID department’s work by using theirs”, Villiers explained, wrapping the phone cord around his right index while he spoke. “Do you mayhaps have a picture I could use?”

Moneypenny let out a triumphant cackle.

“Mayhaps I do”, she said. “Mark gifted me an old Soviet camera and I snapped a picture of James just this morning. He wasn’t really cool with it and I feel a bit bad about doing it anyway…”

Her voice trailed off for a second.

“Anyway”, she continued, “I was so excited I didn’t wait to fill the whole film, I went to the little red room M allowed me to set up in the office supply closet and developped that one picture right away. It’s been drying for a bit, I’ll have a look. Hold the line.”

Villiers heard her leave, and waited, which gave him the opportunity to realise that he’d been playing with th telepone cord in such a way that his finger couldn’t be easily unwrapped anymore. SO he sat there with his finger looking like a boeuf à la ficelle. After a while Moneypenny came back on the phone. Her entuhsiams had violently deflated.

“OKay, so, uhm, something weird happened”, she said.

“What’s going on?” Villiers asked. He was growing impatient but he wasn’t that big of an asshole to just go, like, oh I don’t care just give me what I need.

“So I know for sure that this is the picture I took of James, because it’s the only one I took, right?” Moneypenny said, both to Villiers and to herself.

“Yes, and?”

“Well, he’s not in it.”

“What?”

“He’s not in the picture”, Moneypenny repeated.

Villiers frowned.

“What do you mean, he’s not in the picture? Did he move when you took it?”

“No, he was sitting on the floor and looking back at me, I’m completely sure. But he’s not in the picture. It’s like I took a picture of the floor behind his desk.”

Villiers could hear Moneypenny scratch her head through the phone.

“Can you come over to my office and show me?” he asked.

“Why don’t you jog over?” she snapped back.

“Oh, come on, just this once”, he pleaded.

“No, you come on just this once”, she replied.

“My finger is trapped in the telephone cord”, he whispered.

Moneypenny paused for a spilt-second, then said, with a chuckle:

“Again?”

Villiers made an affirmative noise, he was too embarrassed to speak.

“Alright”, she said. “I’ll come over. Give me a second.”

Moneypenny came over with the picture. It was like she’d said: it looked like she’d taken a picture of the floor behind Bond’s desk.

“Did your camera glitch?” Villiers asked.

“I don’t see why the whole photograph wouldn’t be ruined”, Moneypenne said. “A glitch that specifically erases one person in a picture is called photoshop.”

“Hm”, Villiers grunted. “Look, this is super weird and we’ll have to deal with this, but we’ll have to postpone it because right now we need to find Bond. In the meantime, we need to exlude every possibility of a camera malfunction. Can you do that?”

Moneypenny nodded.

“I’ll check it out”, she said. “You find Bond. PLease keep me psoted on how the search for him goes, okay?”

“I will”, Villiers said. “Promise.”

They smiled to each other, both knowing that this photograph business wasn’t as unworrying as they’d made it seem. Moneypenny left to go back to her office and Villiers focused back on his Word document.

“Well”, he sighed, “MS Paint it is, then.”

He opened the aforementionend software (if you can call it that) and drew a picture of Bond as best as he could.

“Done!” he exclaimed once he was done. Then he printed out the poster, looked at it, was satisfied with it, and made 500 copies of it at the copy machine next to the water cooler. M came in to get a glass of water and peeked over Villiers’ shoulder.

“Were you going to run that by me before putting those posters up?” she asked.

“I’m not going to put them up”, Villiers said. “Bond’s not a lost pet.”

M made a very skeptical face and grunted.

“In any case, you’re hereby authorised to use that horrible drawing on the poster”, she declared. “It’s not that far from the actual thing.”

Villiers snorted and thanked her before faxing the poster to all police stations that were too far away. Then he put on his coat, tucked the 500 copies under his arm, and left the building to give one poster to every police station in Londong.

# ***

The fax machine started beeping. Sergeant Pimbleton stood in front of it, waiting for the printing to be done. Then he tore it off and brought it to his commanding officer, Captain Calendula.

“Fax from the MI-6”, Pimbleton announced.

The Captain read the missing person poster and snorted.

“What in the name of Flying Fuck is that?” the Captain shouted.


	18. 9B is "application"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the MI-6 is putting up posters in every police station and bakery in London, Bond finds an unexpected ally thanks to his communism.

“LEt me go”, bond said through the bars of his little prison - a room with no windows, no chairs and worst of of all, completely beige walls.

“Nein”, Konrad said from the other said of the door. Bond could tlell the man wanted only one thing: to close the little shutter on the door so he could have some peace to do his crosswords. But Hans-Popocarn had forbidden that, and so Bond was using this oopoortunity to torment Konrad in case in could be useful for later. Bond spied over the giant Germna shoulder and cackled.

“9B is “application””, he said.

Konrad froze and let out a controlled outbreahth to signify taht he ws about to be done with bOnd ‘s bullshirt.

“Please stop doing my crossvords”, he politely warned.

“Why?” Bond repleid provovcationetly. “You’ll kill me?”

“Nein”, Konrad sighed. “but se crossvords vill be ruined and it’s so hard to find sem in german here.”

Bond was taken aback and said nothing. He was moved by that huge man’s interest in crosswords and by the sadness he could see in his eyes as he was thinking about what would happen if he was out of crosswords.

“Surely you understand”, Bond spoke, “that being in the cell is to me what being out of crossworsd is to you.”

konrad looked up at his prisoner and thought about what he’d just said.

“You know”, Konrad said, “I vas hired by Herr Von Hie und Da zu Recht ud Ordnung a long time ago, ven vorker’s rights vere still even badder san sey are now, and he never updated my contract - or Reiner’s, for sat matter - to match se new regulations.”

“You don’t say?” BOnd exclaied. It might’ve looked like he was fakign it, but that was not the case. He had recently been to a work training about contract legality and updated wokrer’s rights in the UK and he had found out that he was very invested in pushing for worker’s rights at the MI-6. He’d started fighting for the creation of a Staff Committee both within the 00-section and for the general assembly of employees and he was not completely unsure that this hadn’t been part of the reason why he’d been fired.

“I know, right?” Konrad said, now dropping his crosswords on the floor to turn in his chair and face Bond. “Ve’re supposed to vork 12 hours a day, 6 days a veek, vith one veek unpaid holiday and se vorst heals insurance se boss could find. Lunch is not included even if ve have to spend all day on se premises and ve are not allowed to join any kind of union.”

Bond was getting angry now.

“That is so illegal”, he said through his teeth. “How the hell did these contracts pass legal control?”

“He doesn’t let sem in venever sey vant to check his papers”, Konrad said sadly. “He takes a gun and sreatens sem. Sey never come back.”

Bond sighed.

“You need this job really badly, don’t you?” he asked.

“Ja”, Konrad replied. “My vife and I are expecting our second baby and ve need se money.”

“Yeah”, Bond sighed.

At this point he had completely forgotten about the fact that he was a prisoner and Konrad his guard. All he had on his mind was anger towards Hans-Popcorn who shamelessly exploited his employees while knowing that there was nothing they could do.

Konrad joylessly went back to his crosswords. Suddenly Bond had an idea.

“Pssst”, he psssted.

Konrad turned around again.

“Ja?”

“I know this is gonna sound like I’m trying to manipulate you into letting me escape but I promise I’m not, okey?”

Konrad frowned.

“Go on.”

“SO you know how I was outside in front of the MI-6 building whe you kidnapped me, right?”

“Ja.”

“DO you know why I was there?”

Konrad frowned even more, which was only possible because of his bushy german eyebrows and the way they were placed on his face.

“I don’t know, to have a smoke?” he said impatiently. “Vat’s se point of sis?”

“You’ll see”, Bond said. “I was there because I was waiting for a team to accompany me to arrest an old woman in central Lonodng.”

“You vere going to arrest an old voman? Vhy on Ears vould you arrest an old voman?”

Bond was losing Konrad’s interest. He switched tactics.

“My colleague, who’s also my, uh, friend, got kidnapped last night and she knows by whom”, he explained. “She might even know where he is right now. And we’ve got to find him soon, because the longer he’s gone, the more likely it is that-”

Bond suddnely choked on his own words and didn’t finish the sentence. He could see that Konrad could somehow relate to his story. Maybe Reiner had been kidnapped too in the past?

“I’m vrey sorry to hear sat”, Konrad said, still unsure of what all of this was supposed to mean.

“The longer I’m stuck in here, the less likely I am to find him”, Bond clarified. “And I can’t bear the thought of not finding him.”

Konrad thought for a second.

“Vhy are you telling me all sis?” he asked cautiously.

“Because”, Bond said, “I’d rather have you on my side later than have to kill you.”

“Vat’s sat supposed to mean?

Bond sighed. He was getting closer to the point where he’d have to hypnotise Konrad and he wanted to avoid doing that at all costs. He hated hypnootising people, even when it saved someone else’s life. He hated it so much.

“Later”, Bond said, lowering his voice, “HAns-Popcorn will want to talk to me. And I will kill him, along with everyone else in that room. Unless…”

“... you know sat I can be trusted”, Konrad finished.

“Exactly.”

“How do you plan on killing everyone, if I may ask?”

“That”, Bond said in an ominous voice, “is a surpris.”

Konrad wrinkled his nose.

“How convenient”, he simply said.

“PLease, Konrad”, Bond urged, both because his fear for Tanner was threatening to spill over and because he wanted to avoid hypnosis at all costs.

“Vat’s in it for me?” Konrad asked.

“A fair question”, Bond replied, looking down on his shoes. “Having worked with you twice” - he looked Konrad straight in the eye to make it clear that what he actually meant was “having been abducted by you twice” - “I know that you’re a good driver, a competent wingman, and overall a very professional dude who takes his job seriously. We could use people like you.”

“You’re recruiting me for si MI-6?” Konrad asked, completely baffled. “I’m not even British, how could sat vork?”

“It can”, Bond said, “if you take on the British nationality.”

“And relinkvish se German nationality?”

“That is correct.”

Bond had not expected what happened next. Through the bars on his door he saw Konrad throw his arms in the air in triumph, his fists clenched like he’d just won the World Cup.

“Endlich!” he hissed, not wanting to attract attention from his colleagues, “endlich kann ich weg aus diesem Scheißland, ich muss gleich Jana anrufen -”

Konrad started looking for his phone.

“Stop!” Bond hissed.

Konrad stopped dead in his tracks.

“Vat?”

“Don’t call anyone for now”, Bond commanded. “This is goign to be dangerous and we don’t want to compromise it all before it’s even started, alright?”

Konrad nodded, finally regaining some sense.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do”, Bond said. Konrad listened carefully, repeated it back to make sure he’d understood the plan, and then they waited.


	19. "Did I fuck your boyfriend or something?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanner finally finds out why he was kidnapped. New information might lead M and Villiers to Tanner's location.

Henchy was satirng at Tnanner from afar. They’d been holding him in his little prison for a little more than a full day now, and Henchy was still happy to cook for him even though he was becoming a little ess etushistic about criticing the foods. Right now, Tanner was sitiing on the little clap-clap metal plank that was rumored to be a bed but had only a small blanket. Redflield wasn’t big on comfort fror Tanner. Henchy sometimes wondered wy Tedfild ws doing all of this; what ha dTanner done to him that oculd justify this while operation?

Tanner must’ve been thinking the exact same thing becaus ehe suddnely called out:

“Hye! You! What is this all about?”

He meant Refliedl, who was clikcing buttons on his control panel. Henchy knew that he was only doing this for show, to curate his supervillain imagine, becaus ehe knew from personal experience that Reflied had installed tetris on the control panel and offen spent his afternoons playign htat wile Henchy had to take promo pictures of him for the website.

Redfied turned around, annoyed because it had made him fail his level.

“Shut up!” he cried out. “I’ll deal with you later.”

He was abot to turn back to his villain work/tetris but Tanner was not having any of it.

“Why am I here?”

Redfield sighed, hit a button to swithc off the “control panel” and turned back to Tanner, slowly walking towards him. What Henchy had dreaded this whole was now thrreatening to happen very badly: the villain monologue. Yayyyy, Henchy thouhgt, his mood very close to the facial expression of a sad clown.

“Why are you here?” Redfield repeated back with contempt. “I’m interested in your theories before I give you the clues. Why do you think you’re here?”

Tanner kept eye contact with Redfield. Henchy admired how good he ws at not seemed scared while still being kidnapped. He’d been terrified when Henchy had picked him up but that was different; being woken up by a kidnapper must not be nice.

“You must know that I probably have more candiadates to kidnpping than you do”, Tanner said.

“Given the nature of your job”, Reflied said with a mean flame in his eyes, “I’m totally readng to believe that to be honest.”

Tanner frowned.

“Right, so you haven’t kidnapped me because of my job. Who else then, would go this far if not someone from work?”

Redflied watched as Tanner thought. Henchy could see them both from where he was sitting; they both seemed to have forgotten that he might be around. 

“Oh, wait, are you someone’s boyfriend?” Tanner suddenly asked on an inspiration. “Did I fuck your boyfriend or something?”

REdfile d was so taken aback that he just opened his mouth without saying anythign.

“You’re… you’re… a homosexual?” he uttered.

“Yeah”, Tanner simply said.

“But this is James Bond, there’s no homosexuals in James Bond”, Redfield said in the voice same voice as before.

“Yeah but I thought we’d all agreed that the franchise is shit”, Tanner shrugged. “Also just say gay, it’s embarrassing.”

Redflied thought about it for a second.

“Those are both fair points”, he conceded. “But now back to the story and how I kidnapped you.”

“Oh, sure”, Tanner said. “But honestly I’m kind of out of ideas.”

Redfiled cried out again and walked in one huge circle of frsutration before coming back to Tanner’s prison.

“Do you not recognise my voice?” he asked almost pleadingly.

“Should I?”

Tanner seemed confused but also seemed to start to feel genuinely bad for Redfleid.

“And do you not recognise my name?” Redfield said, now in tears. “I literally kept my real name as my villain name and still you don’t know who I am?”

Henchy could tell that this information confused Tanner even more. But now he understood why his boss hadn’t bothered using a villain psueodnyme when they’d started working on this plan: Tanner didn’t even remeber Redifeld.

“I’m so sorry to be putting you in such distress”, Tanner said, “but I genuinely do not know who you are.”

Redfield started full-on crying and retreated to his lifeless control panel. Tanner’s head dropped down in shame. Henchy had no idea whether to comfort his boss, tell Tanner off or just stay where he was in case coming out of his hiding place made everything worse.

Eventually Redfield calmed down. He wied his face with a dirty cloth he picked up on the floor (Henchy wasa already looking forward to running to the pharmacy for eyedrops) and walked back to Ranner’s prison. Then he said nothing for a few seconds before suddenly looking right at Tanner and saying in a voice very different from his normal voice:

“Ernest Stephen Redfield, NHS Patient Records Department, how may I help you?”

Tanner staggered backwards as if he’d just been punched in the chest and fell heavily on his metal bed. Both him and REdfiled said nothing, staring at each other, one in disbelief, the other in triumph. Henchy leaned forward; the tension was at its highest.

“I… I…” Tanner stammered.

“Now you know why you’re here”, Redfield said. “Now you know why I’m doing this.”

Tanner started fidgeting with his fingers.

“What are you going to do to me?” he asked. His voice broke in the middle of the question.

“I have several options”, Redfiled said, “but conveniently, I have yet decided which way to go from now on. Who can say where the road goes, where the day flows?”

“Ponita”, Tanner finished, and sighed, crushed by the revelation of REdfielf true identity.

Redfield walked to his chair, sat in it and the pole carried him away into the ceiling of the grotto where he slept.

Henchy didn’t move. He watched Tanner check his watch and go to bed. Once there was nothing interesting left to see, Henchy got up and stole himslef into his own bed corner inside the control panel where he played tetris on mute until he fell asleep.

# ***

Villiers burst into M’s office. She immediately hung up the phone and looked up, irritated that he, just as everyone else in this building, seemed utterly unable to comprehend that knocking on people’s doors also applied to her own double mattress door.

“What is it now?” she asked more harshly than she’d wanted.

“It’s Tanner”, Villiers panted, “we’ve got a signal from him.”

M didn’t stand up and so Villiers had to walk to her desk to show her. She was about to ask him why he couldn’t have simply called to tell her instead of interrupting her private call with her husband when she saw the location from which the signal had come from.

“Are we sure that it’s from Tanner?” she asked.

“Positive”, Villiers said.

M looked at the GPS coordinates again.

> 03°00’31.1”N 2°2’33.0”E

“But this is-”

“The phone number of the NHS employee Tanner’s been in contact with”, Villiers said. “Yes.”


	20. Pökelzunge in Burgunder mit Klößen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moneypenny investigates the camera malfunction. Villiers makes a puzzling encounter while putting up posters. Bond prepares for his escape.

In the darkness of the red room, Moneypenny felt safe. SHe had padde the wals wth egg boxes to make it soundproff, which made it the perfect room to take a break from horrible office life. She was flap-flapping a photograph in the photograph liquid to make it appear; as she’d promised Villiers, she was trying to find out what had happened to the picture of Bond. Thus, she was developping it again in case there had beeen a mistake in the developping process.

Slowly, shapes began to appear on the paper. Moneypenny could make out the desk, the desk lamp, the little office plant behind, Bond’s office chair and… that was it. No Bond in the picture.

“Oh crap”, Moneypenny muttered, annoyed but mostly confused.

She had things to do so she ddn’t have time to developp the photograph again. Defeated she hung it on the laundry line to fry and left the red room.

The neon light was terrible outside.

# ***

Villiers had visited every police station in London and every bakery he could find and he still had about 50 posters left. He’d told M that Bond wwasn’t a lot pet, but honestly at this point he was tired. He’d been doing this for more than fur hours with no break and he was hungry. So he started sticking the posters to random streetlights and poles. Maybe that would actually be more helpful than putting it up i olice stations.

He was sticking a poster to a roadsgn pole when he heard a voice behind him, coming closer.

“Stop right there.”

Villeirs turned around. He was cold and tired and hungry and while _you_ could see it in his eyes, _he_ could feel it in his boneS.

Two police officers where walking straight towards him.

“What is this that you’re doing?” one of them asked.

“I’m putting up a poster”, Villers said.

“That’s illegal if you didn’t ask the city council first. You lost a pet?” the other policeman asked.

“No, one of my colleagues is missing.”

“So you’re putting up posters illegally for your missing colleague”, the first policeman summed up. “What is your occupation?”

“I work for the government”, Villiers said, because it was true.

“Oh, nice”, the second plicedude said approvingly. “So do we.”

“Yeah”, the first one added, “the police is government, too.”

“Cool”, Villiers said, fault of better.

“So what does your colleague do for a living then?”

“He works for the government, just like me.”

“And us”, one of the police said.

“Yeah, and you, of coourse.”

“Great”, the first policeman said, clapping his hands together. “Well then, have a nice day, Sir.”

And with that, they walked away, leaving a confused Villiers to put up his posters illegally.

# ***

The mouse’s eyes were as big as plates as she walked from one end of the room to the other. Her feet moved amlost normally - only a prolonged glance that knew what it was looking for could tell that there was something wrong with the way her legs went up for every next step. It was completely silent; it didn’t squeak even once. Then, suddenly and for no apparent reason, she stopped moving and looked up. Her eyes were still huge. She let out a long squeak, not of terror of fear, just a long sqeauk as if she was complaining about food. Then the spell broke, and the mouse ran away and disappeared in a hole in the wall.

Bond’s eyes lost the strange glow they’d had during this and he sat back against the wall. He could still do it, after all these years of refusing to use this power out of principle. It was a little more straining to his mind since he’d lost a bit of endurance but the strength of his power was intact.

He sighed. He knew M thought he had her to thank for this gift that would save his ass in a few hours; but that wasn’t at all how he thought about it. He had no one to thank for this curse. If anything he hated the whole MI-6 for it. His thoughts drifted; he started to wonder why he hadn’t gone rogue yet. He could channel that resentment he had into leaving the MI-6, he knew there was enough of it in his heart.

His heart? That was interesting. He looked down at the faint glow of the magnetic battery under his turtleneck. How had the surgeon not noticed his unbeating heart and stale blood during the surgery? Why had they even deemed it necessary to protect his heart from the shards when he was already dead? He resolved to ask M about this. Probably she’d paid the whole hospitl to shut up about it. She was kind of the boss of th 00-section after all.

He heard a noise outside, a metallic clonk, and then a small tray with food that looked more like the remains of roadkill was pushed in through the little clap-calp door withing the normal door.

“Pökelzunge in Burgunder mit Klößen”, said a harsh voice that was not Konrad’s. Then, once again, silence.

Bond wondered if Hans-Popcorn was banking on the fact that he’d be unable to utter a single word after plastering his mouth shut with these pre-made Klöße. He tried the Pökelzunge, which was actually not too bad, and hid the Klöße in his pocket for later. It was always good to carry a makeshift gag when trying to escape supervillain heaquarters.


	21. "Project Vampirism"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this special episode, we learn more about Bond's strange behaviour and incredible abilities.

# TWO YEARS EARLIER

THe Ministrer of Denefence was staring at Bond. So were M, Q, and the Queen of England. Bond was holding a Mont-Blanc and hovering it over a piece of paper.

“What do you say;, Bond?” the mInister said. “Do you accept?”

Bond couldn’t decide. HE wished they woudl givie him some time to think about it. But they never do, don’t they. Jason Bourne wasn’t given any time to think about it, either. He signed the papers and then he was fucked. Forever. Or rather, for 4 movies. _(THe one with Jeremery Renner dosn’t count and isn’t cnano. It ends on him decidng to go to a pharmacy to get some pills, what kind of stupid ending is that? Nah, nuh-uh, that’s not canon. I’m not even that invested in hte franchsie. I just cried at the cinema when I went to see “Jasn Bourned” because that bike chase in Athens whas gorgeous;)_

“Bond”, M pressed on. “Are you on board or do I ask 009 instaead?”

Bond looked into the corridor through a small window in the wall. A clown was sitting in the waiting area. when the clown saw Bond looking at him, he honked and waved.

“Uh, maybe don’t ask him”, Bond said, turning bacl to the paper. “I’ll do it.”

And with that, he signed his name across their contract.

The miister of defenece started clapped. Q popped a bottle of champagne open to celebreate.

“Welcome to our very first test program to see if agents can be made more efficicent through vampirism!” he said gleefulyly.

Q poured Bond a flute. Bond put donw the pen and squirmed uncomfortably in his chair.

“Thank you Sir”, he sad hesitantly. “I hope I can be good enough… and that everything will go as planned.”

_And that I’ll still be alive at the ende of the experiment_ , he added silently, wishing he had an eyelash to make his wish strongeR.

“So do we”, M said. “We will be starting the preliminary tests tomorrow but these should be quick, since you already were proven compatible with the procedyre.”

“Where do I have to report, ma’am?” Bond asked, downing his champagne in despair and axiety.

“Q’s lab”, Q said. “Uh, I mean my lab. In the downstairs area.”

“The cellar?” Bond asked.

“yes, the celar”, Q said. He’d been drinking champagne very fast and his nose had taken on a reddish tinge.

“Perfect”, the minister said, clapping his hands togetehr again. He was way too cheerful abuot this whole thing and bond could tell that he wans’t the one being turned into a vampire starting tomoroow.

Q poured bond another champagne. They had silently agreed to finish the bottle togetehr as ast as they coud.

“You do know what will await you if this goes well?” M asked after a moment of silence.

This question threw a cold awkwardness into the room: everyone suddenly remembered why they were here. NotBond though, mind you, he was very mch awar eof it thank you very much.

“Would you mind explaining it again?” he asked. “I know I signed already but I’d like to know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight or not.”

M nodded. Q started explaining.

“After the preliminisary tests you will be fastened to a chair and injected with vampire blood. Very, very slowly at first, to make sure your organism doesn’t react to dramatically to it. Then more and more, until your blood is fully replaced. If everythign turns out as expected you will be a full vampire by then. We wilwl study your pwoers and capabilites, assess your for field duty, and then relaease you with a bit of suncream and an info sheet.”

Q gave M a terribly dark look. He didn’t seem too happy about the procedure he was about to perform. Perhaps he’d been made to do it. How, Bond didn’t know.

“SOunds…. painful”, Bond.

“It seems that way”, Q confirmed. “But if at any time the pain is too strong, there will be a button for you to push that stops the blood transfusion.”

“How comforting”, Bond said.

THe minsittrer of devcence suddenly seemed to feel awkward.

“Uh, I, uh, i have to go”, he tried to say nonchalantly. “My wife, you know…”

M raised an eyebrow. _(YES I finally remembered the verb for this!!!!)_

“Your wife what?”

“Oh, uh, nothing”, he said hastily. “I’ll be seeing you, M. Gentlemen.”

And with that he swiftly left through the door that did NOT lead to the shark tanks and fire. M looked at Q, then Bond, then the bottle of champagne. They finished the evening getting drunk and tellng each other dumb stories. When they all woke up on the floor of the M’s office the next day, no one said anything. With one glance they agreed to noever talk about it again. Then, Q and Bond left for the underground cellar to commence the top secret “Project Vampirism”.


	22. Gathering his wits and tits about

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hans-Popcorn is ready to reveal his evil plan to his prisoner. Will Bond find a way out of this situation?

Bond had dozed off in his tiny prison wehn he head Konrad’s walkie talkie go “kkkrrrshhh Konrad, bring ze prisoner to ze main hall pliss kkrrrshhh”. HeHe suddenly went into alert mode & gathered his wits and tits about, ready to face this next phase of his kidnapment.

“Prisoner, step back”, he heard Konrad ark.

The door opened and Konrad, armed with his usual Ak47, stomped into the cell.

“Turn around so I can ficell you”, he said in the same tone.

Bond did as he was told. He was not too worried about being tied up in the wrists since that was part of the plan they’d agreed on with Konrad. When the knots where tied Konrad said:

“Let’s go, and no tricks pliss! You go first, and I vill be pointing my gun at you at all times.”

Bond did as he was told. They went down long, beige corridors that looked like they’d been last redecoratd in te 70s. A moon jeep was parked in one corner. Another branch of the corridor looked more like a tunnel and had rails on the floor and a small passenger cart, and Bond was sad that they weren’t going that way. They walked for a while, which indicated that the place was huge - or that Konrad was making him walk in circles, counting on the beige walls for Bond not to notice. Or that Konrad was lost. No wonder, with the beige walls everywhere.

At one point, Bond heard a loud noise coming from far above. It became louder and louder until it was right above them and then it went away as quickly as it had come. Bond stopped to listen only to be painfully pushed in the back by Konrad’s machine gun.

“Ow”, Bond said, walking on.

“Pleass do not push it”, Konrad muttered under his breath so that only Bond coudl hear it.

The corridors had started to be more crowded, with henchmen walking around and looking busy crossing their path more often. Bond knew exactly what they were doing because he did the same at the office whenever he thought it was obvious that he’d opened Solitaire on his computer. These henchman were carrying files and talking loufly into bluetooth thingies - another thing Bond had never understood - and to their boss, they looked like the busiest of all, but a fellow employee saw right through them. And kept their mouth shut if they didn’t want to be shunned by the whole office.

Anyway. It looked like they were getting closer to whatever main hall they were headed to. Bond could hear a faint echo of a familiar Yazoo song but he couldn’t place it right away. It stopped abruptly before he could determine which song it was but if he’d been asked, he would’ve guessed “Don’t Go”.

At the turn of a corner he unexpectedly stepped into what they called the main hall. It truly deserved that name. The ceiling was high, so high, and even though no natural light could come in because it lacked even the tiniest of windows they had managed to adjust the lighting in a way that mimicked the sun to near perfection. The hall was big enough to house an entire control panel section on the left, a videoscreen section further back, a medium-sized meeting room and Hans-Popcorn’s personal office on the right and in the center, a small lounge area with comfortable chairs and a bar. Bond couldn’t help but gasp at this sight.

“Kvite impresssive, is it not?” onrad whispered to Bond. “He had his staff build sis. Sose who vere too slow got “fired”. Sere is an elevator vis fire and sharks in his office.”

Bond dialed back on the amazement and nodded almost imprecepbitely, thinking over to M’s office that had the same equipment. He made a note of checking the office supplies catalogue for hidden pages next time he was at the office.

“Ah! Herr Bond, just in time for my little presentation”, a voice boomed from the control panel section.

Bond watched Hans-Popcorn come out from behind the panels and onto the little reeling that led to a staircase that led down into the louunge area. Hans-popcorn leaned on that reeling, then spoke again.

“I am sure sat you have been vondering vat se goal of my vork is.”

“Mostly I’ve been _vondering_ ” - Bond was very fond of sick burns - “why you call this whole ordeal _your_ work when in reality all these other people are doing all the work _for_ you and probably for a miserable pay, at that.”

In the corner of his eye Bond saw Konrad shift. But he wasn’t going to tell on him or anything. He was just so revolted by the work conditions in Hans-pop’s organisation. Hans-Popcorn did not like Bond’s answer at all.

“Sat is none of your concern”, he hissed. “You do not vork here nor are you representing any kind of vorkers’ union.”

“You are right, although I wish I was here on union business, because these people here clearly need it.”

Hans-Popcorn briskly walked down the stairs and towards Bond. His monocle was dangerously close to falling off his wrinkled face. Bond didn’t move when Hans-Popcorn stopped within inches of his face and said:

“Shut. Up. And listen to my presentation.”

Taking a step back, HP added:

“Pleasss.”

The henchmen who had stopped to watch hurried back to their stations. Hans-Popcorn motioned Bond over to the lounge area where another henchman had wheeled an interactive white screen & a laptop. Konrad pushed Bond onto one of the comfortable armchairs. _Good_ , Bond thought. _He’s making it look believable_.

Hans-Popcorn had a bit of trouble opening the PowerPoint and a henchman helped him. A few minutes later everything was ready and HP was standing next to the screen and holding a remote.

“Herr Bond”, he said in his booming voice, “prepare to be amazed, intrigued and blown avay by my genius plan to conquer England and ze vorld!”

The presentation started. Bond glanced around him and tried to count the henchmen working in the main hall alone - more than 70. Adding that to henchmen he’d seen in the corridors, he counted more than 130 already, and that was a very conservative estimate. What he’d learned about the workplace and conditions here was making him reconsider his plan of killing everyone. It seemed likely that most of them had ended up here the same way Konrad had - they’d needed the money and taken the job. Didn’t everyone end up at their job this way these days? Bond decided that there was only one person in this room that he would kill. That meant that he would have to hypnotise all the henchmen though, and that would be tough.

Every once in a while Bond tuned in to HP’s presentation and every small bit he heard comforted him in his decision that it wasn’t necessary to listen to it because it was a hot pile of steaming shit. He heard things like “undervater laser guns”, “sinking si Alps into se sea” and “vat is vrong vis se stupid PowerPoint” and immediately turned his attention back to his own thoughts every time.

At last, it was over. It seemed like it had been two lifetimes and Bond suspected he might have nodded off once or twice. Hans-Popcorn was looking at him, smiling and clearly expecting a reaction. Bond did the first thing he could think of, and clapped. This seemed to be the right thing to do because Hans-Popcorn started clapping and cheering for himself too.

“You see, Herr Bond?” he said triumphantly, “sere is nossing you can do to stop me.”

“I must admit”, Bond conceded, “that it seems you’ve won.”

Hans-Popcorn cackled. Bond saw his chance - now was the time to put the plan into action. But would Konrad go throuhg with it? Bond looked back at Konrad and nodded, the signal they’d agreed upon. Konrad armed his machine gun, aimed at Hans-Popcorn Morgenstern von Hie und Da zu Recht und Ordnung and shot one single bullet right in the middle of his forehead. HP’s eyes didn’t even have time to express surprise or betrayal. The man just fell over. Dead.

The main hall instantly fell silent with shock. That was the moment Bond needed to grab the laptop and open the webcam app. The laptop was still connected to the interactive board, which had one big speaker on each side. Bond hoped it was enough. Dammit, it had to be.

He focused and tickled that specific spot in his mind he had been granted access to only two years prior, when he’d been asked back to MI-6 despite having retired in 1987 and living in a comfortable mansion since. Now he was a vampire. The only good thing about it was that he looked sexy again. They’d asked him to choose an age to go back to and he’d asked to be 37 again. He thought he’d looked good at 37 and he’d been right.

Anyway, he gave his eyes and voice that special tinge that hypnotised people and spoke into the laptop’s shitty microphone.

“Hans-Popcorn was a shit boss who was in total breach of worker’s rights. It is a good thing that he is dead. Now you can look for a better job. Go!”

The speakers worked perfectly and even transmitted his voice into every corridor of the compound. A loud cheer erupted in the main hall and the corridors and the henchmen all dropped their weapons and ran to the changing rooms to get dressed and leave this horrible place. Konrad was the only one who had not moved. Bond looked up at him and gave him a thumbs up while turning his voice and eyes back to normal. Konrad smiled and took the Boules Quies out of his ears.

“Sat vas amazing!” was all he could say.

“Well, thanks”, Bond said and smiled back. “Now let’s explode this place and fuck off.”

He was about to leave the lounge area when he heard Konrad behind him say:

“Ve can’t.”

Bond turned around, slowly.

“Why not?”

Konrad looked up to the ceiling.

“Remember sat loud noise you heard vhen ve vere valking to se main hall?”

“Yes?”

“Sis compound is located directly under se main runvay of Gatvick Airport.”

Bond was stunned. He thought about it for a few seconds and said:

“Okay, I’ve got another idea. Follow me.”

He grabbed a gun on the floor and started running, closely followed by Konrad.


	23. An exploded international airport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bond is reunited with M and Villiers in the midst of a national crisis. The search for Tanner continues.

M and Villiers zere in the car on the wai to the location tbeyd got from tannner when they heard the news on yhe radio.

_"BBC1 radio newscast international 24/7 newsflash live in the news today this just in a new development in the gatwick airport explosion it is now believed that the whole fleet of british airways has fallen into the crater an explosion left in the main runway a few minutes ago due to the tower having advised all other companies but not british airways. Next up, the weahthe forecast with Nigel Salisbury."_

M was tired and just sighed in absolute exhaustion:

"That's Bond. We have to pick him up before saving Tanner. Freddy?"

The window between them and the driver's seat lowered down.

"Yes?" the driver, who was the one called Freddy, said.

"Get us to Gatwick Airport as fast as you can."

"You are aware of what the M23 looks like at this time of the day, Ma'am."

"I am", M replied, repressing another sigh. "But we must make it to Gatwick."

"I will do my very best" Freddy said, and pressed a button to put the window back up.

The car did a uturn and speed back the way it came in ordet to catvh the m23 as soon as possible.

After a mibtuee of silenfe Villiers fially dared ask the question he wanted yo ask.

"Why do we need Bodn to save tanner?"

M looked ay her assistant and, with the look of absolute pain they can only do in movies she replied ;

"We don't."

Seeing villiers bewildermentn she added :

"But bond is out of control" - she motioned vaguely towards the radio - "and we need him in our sight. Like a goldeneye, if you will."

Villiers nodded. He undersyood perfectlu.

"He also seems to have a special friendship with tanner which might prove useful when we get in there and get tanner out."

Villiers said nothing, but his thoughts said "special friendship is the worst way to say that they're into each other but okay whatever". Villiers was an assshole and he knew that but he didn't think he was particularly homophobic, so that was cool.

Their journey through trafiic on the m23 took a little less than 4 hours, and during that time every newsflash on the radio brought new tales of destruction from gatwick airport. At some point M got out her tablet and started working on a simulation of how much all of these repairs would cost the MI-6. She and Villiers ended up agreeing that in order to avoid bankruptcy the MI-6 would have to file for government grants.

At last, around 2pm they arrived at gstwick. They could tell whicj way it was from the smoke alone. A huge cloud of dark smoke filled the sky over the now ex- airport and if you looked closely, you could see giant red flames at the base of the cloud. M let out a wail. Villiers was this close to doing the same.

"Call Bond" M said to Villiets.

Villiets got out his phone and dialed Bond. After two ringtones someone picked up.

"Bond?" Villiers heard in the phone.

The signal was horribly bad. There was a crowd cheering in the background qnd for a second villiets wondered if bond was at a game rather than at an exploded international airport

"Villiers here, we're at the gates of Gatwick, where the hell are you?"

No reply for a few seconds, then:

"I'm running towards you!"

Viliers motioned M to look outside the windows and so they did. M suddenly tapped Villiers arm and pointed to a small figure running towards them… with a taller figure chasing him with a machine gun.

"Bond, lookout!" Villiers yelled into the phone.

"What?" Bond panted back.

"Behind you! Do we shoot him?"

M was already screwing the barrel onto the sharpshooting rifle they kept hidden under the seats.

"NO!!!" Bond shouted back. "He's on our side!!!"

And so they didnt shoot jim. Bond finally arrived at the car, put his head through the window and asked, "is there room for two?"

M nodded.

"Great. Hop on, Konrad, they'll make some room for you, I'll sit next to freddy."

No one said anything until they'd left gatwick far behind. Freddy had wisely turned off the radio. Finally, M could speak to Bond again without committing murder.

"Is there anything you have to sau in your defense before i hand you over to the minsitry of defence after what you did at gatwick?"

Bond squirmed around in his seat to turn around and face her. M couldnt help thinking that his eyes looked beautiful in the midday light.

"If you look closely at the remains of the runway, you'll see that underneath it are the remains of Hans-Popcorn Morgenstern von Hie und Da zu Recht und Ordnung's headquarters. From there, he was planning to overthrow the Queen, the govrnement, and everything else there is to overthrow."

Bond handed M a USB stick. It was intact.

"This is all the information you will need."

M nodded and pocketed the USB stick.

"Okay. For some reason that i can't explain i am willing to trust you. I will conduct an investigation into this disaster. Villiers, please fill him in on our current plans."

And so villiers did. He explained everything that had happened since Bond had been taken and told him about the GPS coordinates and the supposed identity of tanner's kidnappers. Bond became angrier than villiers had ever seen before.

"That asshole is gonna pay for this. And when this is over the whole NHS will have to change its ways, I'll make sure of that."

And thus, M, confused as to why she'd been so understanding, Villiers, confused as to what had happened in his life for him to be sitting in an MI-6 car next to a giant German man holding an AK-47, and Bond, fuming in rage and worry, drove on to the location tanner had managed to give them.


	24. “have you seen Mulan?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanner and Bond are reunited and the villain is defeated. Bond's dark secret is revealed.

Bond was so happ to have Tanner back . He never thought he would be able to find him so easiy - all it had taken was exploding some lame international airport. As he an d bIlll (and konrad but he is german so he doenst really count) ran towards the pole leading to redfield’s weird bedroom, Bond and Tanner looked at ech other and smiled.

“I knew you’d come”, Bill said.

“That’s what he said”, Bond repled.

Bill scoffed and chucled. Thne they arrived at the huge pole. It was very huge and its surface was entirely even, which made it impossible to climb in any other way than using the 70s armchair redfield used as an elevator. Bond groaned in frustration. But Tanner seemed unfased by the whole thing.

“James”, he asked, “have you seen Mulan?”

“No, who’s that?”

Konrad cackled in the background, which annoyed Bond, as he didn’t like being laughed at.

“No, it’s a film”, Tanner explained. “It’s about a girl who goes to war and has to pretend she’s a dude… Whatever. What’s important is that there’s this scene where she has to climb a pole no one else has managed to climb, and so she uses a really clever technique to get up there and win the competition.”

“Very good movie, you should vatch it”, Konrad added.

Bond nodded and said:

“What’s the technique?”

Tanner took off the scarf he was (very conveniently) wearing and demonstrated Mulan’s climbing technique - not on the pole though, but on Bond. Tanner came very close to him and put his scarf around him. Then he pulled both ends of the scarf towards himself. Bond could smell Tanner’s cologne again, alhtough very faintly, and almost pulled him in for a hug. THis was not the time though.

“Basically, she uses the scarf as a way to hold on to the pole while her legs do the pulling-up part”, Tanner explained. “Like so.”

Thankfully, Tanner only demonstrated the scarf part on Bond. Bond felt his body temperature rising and hoped that in the dim grotto light no one could see how red his face had gotten. He was quickly disappointed though. As Tanner rested his head on Bond’s shoulder for a few seconds, Bond heard him whisper:

“I won’t demonstrate the leg part. Yet.”

Until this point Bond hadn’t realised how attracted to Tanner he actually was. Now he knew. The timing was very imperfect as that realisation happened just moments before he was to climb a pole by hugging it with his thighs. He hoped he wouldn’t break anything.

Tanner let go of Bond and gave him his scarf with a nod. Bond looked over to Konrad who gave him the same nod. Bond nodded back. Then he put his gun into his holster as best he could and started climbing up the pole. The first few times he slid right back down after only a few meters, but then he got the hang of it and kept going. As soon as he arrived right underneath the 70s armchair, he peeked over the edge of the grotto bedroom to see if it was safe to proceed. It was: Redfield was sleeping in his king sized waterbed. Bond flung himself into the armchair and selected “down” on the small control panel in the right armrest. The armchair slid down in silence and Bond closed his eyes for a few seconds.

When he arrived at the bottom of the pole. He found Tanner and Konrad being held at gunpoint by Redfield and Henchy.

“What the-”, bond uttered before being cut off by Redfield’s rage.

“How dare you?” he said. “How dare you steal my prisoner?”

Bond was stunned for half a second, then came back to his senses.

“No”, he hissed. “How dare you kidnap the man I love, hold him in that small cage for days on end, in this cold and humid grotto - how dare you? What kind of deranged person are you to plan all this? WHO ARE YOU?”

Redfield didn’t say anything. In the corner of his eye, Bond could see Tanner had gone a bit red in the facE. Bond hadn’t planned on declaring his love in this way but he hadn’t been able to wait any longer. Climbing the pole had not exactly helped.

“A deranged person?” Redfield spat. “That’s what you think made me do this, me being a deranged person?”

He cackled bitterly.

“No, Mr. Bond. I am just a run off the mill NHS call center employee. Crushed by the stupidity of the people who call us, annoyed by the fact that they call back, and sick of having to transfer them from department to department because of how specific their questions are!”

His voice had become a shout by the time he’d reach the last subordinate clause.

“You kidnapped and held Bill prisoner because he was calling the NHS hotline too much?” Bond asked, still incapable of believing that shit.

“At first he was calling the hotline”, Redfield panted. “But then he found my number. He started calling me only. Every day, several times. When he requested to be called back I had to do it. And for nothing! He would call for nothing!”

“You call getting my Access to Work grants nothing?” Tanner exploded. “You think making sure that I get my medication and my medical appointments with specialists covered is nothing? You think that I’m asking again again for papers that the NHS lost but that I need for fun? You think I’m disabled specifically so I could annoy _you_ on the phone? I don’t even _know_ you! Someone else on the hotline gave me your direct number telling me that you were in charge of long-term disability and that I should contact you directly. How is that my fault? _And why the hell would you kidnap and keep me in a cage?!_ ”

Tanner shot a murderous look at Redfield and suddenly fell to the ground, barely supporting his weight with his arms before lying down. Bond raced to his side and helped him settle.

“Bill! What’s - what’s going on? What did they do to you?”

“It’s okay”, Tanner whispered. “I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t worry.”

“No, Bill, stay with me, please” - Bond felt tears burning in his eyes - “please, Bill, don’t leave me-”

“James”, Tanner smiled, his voice slow and heavy, “don’t worry, I promise.”

Then he closed his eyes and was gone.

Bond kissed Tanner’s forehead and then looked up at Redfiled, who had stood there for the whole time, whatching.

“You killed him”, Bond hissed. “I don’t know what you did to him but you killed him. And now I will kill you.”

He got up and walked towards Redfied who pointed his gun at Bond.

“He’s not dead”, Redfield said in a ridiculously scared voice.

“Shut up”, Bodn said, still walking. His eyes had become pitch black and his voice and changed. He seemed whiter than usual and his walk made it seem like he was floating. Danger emanated from him. He could see Redfield become more scared with every step he made towards him. Redfield was no more than a little mouse about to be grabbed by an eagle. Bond could see that Redfield knew that.

“I swear”, Redfield croaked in terror. “He’s not dead-”

Bond didn’t even listen to what Redfield was saying. He was trying to make up his mind about how exactly to kill Redfield.

“Listen to him!” Konrad shouted.

Bond snapped out of it. Redfiled was cowering before him, screeching. Henchy was nowhere to be seen. Bond turned around and saw Konrad kneeling next to Tanner - Tanner was alive. And staring at Bond in terror.

“Listen to him”, Konrad repeated.

Bond turned to Redfield.

“He’s not dead”, Redfield stammered pleadingly. “He has a sleep disorder, please don’t kill me…”

Bond fell to the floor, panting and ashamed. He couldn’t look back at Tanner. He’d been seen. There was no going back.

“Please don’t kill me”, Redfield said again.

“Shut up”, Bond ordered, summoning all the strength he could to steady his voice. “Let them go. All of them, even Henchy. Leave this place and never come back. And find another job. Do you understand?”

“Yes, yes, I swear, I will do all you said”, Redfield said, happy to be staying alive. “Everyone follow me, this way, we should leave now, as he said…”

Everyone was too stunned to decline the offer and so they followed Redfield to the exit. Bond didn’t move. He couldn’t bear to see the terror in Tanner’s eyes again. There was someone still standing behind him.

“I don’t know what you are”, Tanner’s voice said, “and I don’t know that I want to find out.”

Tanner’s footsteps echoed in the grotto until he was out. Bond was alone. Utterly alone this time.

He looked up at the ceiling. Far up there, he could see a small window to the outside, too small for a man but big enough for a swarm of bats. With a heavy heart, Bond turned into dozens of bats and left the grotto, still undecided as to where he would go.


	25. “we’ve been doing some experimenting.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M welcomes everyone back at the MI-6 headquarters. Tanner demands an explanation for Bond's behaviour in the grotto. Bond is still missing.

M’s phone started screeching, awaking her from her secret power nap. She rubbed her eyes and picked up.

“Who wants something?” she grunted.

“It’s me”, Villiers’ voice said. “They found Tanner, everyone should be back any minute now.”

“Thank you”, M said and hung up.

Right as she was slamming the phone down, the door to her office opened. Moneypenny came in frist, followed by Tanner, then the NHS man M had seen on a picture, and the German giant Bond had made her sit next to on the way back from the ruins of GAtwick.

“Glad to have you back, Tanner”, M said. “It was about time, I was starting to miss you. Your workload was given to Moneypenny, who is by far not as efficient as you are.”

“With all due respect, Ma’am”, Tanner replied politely, “that is probably due to the fact that Moneypenny usually has her own workload to deal with.”

Moneypenny and Tanner exchanged a quick glance. M shrugged.

“Whatever, really, since you’re back everything is gonna be back to normal in no time. I think our guest here” - she looked at Redfield - “should be brought to the interrogation room for a throrogh inerrogation.”

Tanner, again, spoke up.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ma’am. He’s already pretty shaken and I think he’s recognized how ill-advised it was to kidnap me. I do think he’s already decided to find another job as soon as he can. Right?”

Redfield nodded.

“Well, in that case”, M said, her eyes looking to her left as she was thinking, “Mr. Redfild should be permitted to go home - after, of course, signing the usual NDAs, and the special one, NDA 718. Moneypenny, I trust you’ll make sure that this happens.”

Moneypenny nodded and left the room, followed by Redfield. M shifteed her attention to Konrad.

“Now”, she sighed, “I understand Mr. Bond promsied you employment with us. Is that correct?”

“Ja”, Konrad said.

“Well, I suppose 009 would need replacement.”

M, Tanner and Konrad looked into the corridor through a small window in the wall. A clown was sitting in the waiting area. when the clown saw them looking at him, he honked and waved.

“I vould be honored to become a 00-agent”, Konrad said. “I vould need training vis si SAS, vouldn’t I?”

“Yes”, M replied, “and an extensive background chekc. And obviously you’d have to become a British citizen exclusively. Those are the miniaml requirements; do you have a family?”

“Yes, ma’am”, Konrad said. “my girlfriend and I just became se new parents of a baby.”

M frowned for a split second, then remembered that Germans are weird.

“That might be a problem”, she admitted, “but we’ll figure this out during the psychological tests. For now you are officially accepted into the 00-section training program. Congratulations.”

Konrad beamed and shook M’s hand.

“Sank you very much”, he said, “I must tell Jana at vonce!”

He left the room quickly; M and Tanner heard him ask Moneypenny for a quiet place to make a call. Then The door closed, and they were the only onces left in M’s office.

“Why is Redfield so shaken?” M asked bluntly.

Tanner didn’t know what to do. Did M know about Bond? Would he be ruining Bond’s career if he told her now? He decided that there was no way they hadn’t found out about it during the initial or the annual background chekcs.

“Why did you hire Bond back?” he asked in return.

M had her answer ready, probably ever since she’d hired Bond back in his hospitl room.

“He had just been gravely injured because of his ties to us, even after he was fired. That meant we couldn’t just let him go and be sure of his safety. I suppose I felt bad for him.”

“Yet you don’t feel this bad for anyone else in this department”, Tanner said. “You don’t seem to feel bad for 009, whom you literally just replaced.”

M cleared her throught.

“Yes, well, sentimatality is not something I can command, Tanner.”

“What about James? Can he command what happened in the grotto?”

M leaned forward, and so did Tanner, slightly.

“Tanner”, she said in a low voice, “what happened in the grotto?”

“Tell me what you did to him”, Tanner demanded in a voice equally as low.

M sat back in her chair again, seemingly thinking about whetheer she sould tell Tanner or not. Offciially, “Project Vampirism” was still a top secret MI-6 program which only a handful of operatives knew of. But Tanner seemed very, very close to finding out about it anyway, and M was sure that if Tanner asked Bond he would be told everything too. It was best if she told him now. Tanner was the best chief of staff and data analyst she’d had in years, she didn’t want to lose him.

“Please do not think I am lying to you”, M started. “If you do, I can call Q to vouch for me, and show you the files about this.”

“I want to see the files even if I do believe you”, Tanner declared.

M nodded and picked up her phone.

“Wait, what are you doing?” Tanner asked, grabbing the phone mid-air.

“I’m calling the archive to authorise you as a user and have the files brought up”, M explained, smiling. “I understand your worry though.”

Once the archive had confirmed that the files with the reference numbers PV/0001, PV/0002 and PV/0003 from the 00-section collection would be brought up for use by the department which had originally produced those records, M hung up the phone and began explaining.

“Two years ago, we offered Bond a unique opportunity.”

She took a sip of her Bourbon and closed her eyes for a second.

“Bond had been in retirement since the early 1980s, and we-”

“Wait”, Tanner said. “What?!”

“This is going to take ages if you interrupt every sentence”, M sighed. “This whole story is going to be a lot to take in, so I advise you just listen and ask your questions once I’m done. Alright?”

Tanner nodded even though he didn’t know if he was gonna be able to contain himself - if this was only the beginning of the story, how crazy was it gonna get?

“So”, M continued. “Bond had retired around 1981, he must have been, er… let me do some quick math… 64. He’d had a long and successful career during the Cold War but he just could not keep up anymore. So he requested to be allowed to retire and we granted it.”

M looked outside the window. The grey London afternoon weighed down on every building as it weighed down on her. She carried the weight of all the horrible things she had done, and completing “Project Vampirism” was one of them. Reverend McIntyre had once told her that the only thing that would alleviate her guilt would be to talk about the things she’d done, but every time she told her husband, or a co-worker, on even her porcelain dog, she remembered that he’d lied to her.

“Two years ago the Science and Innovations Department announced that their latest experiment was ready to be started. But they needed a human being to test it on, as the results would barely be quantifiable on an animal. They explained the experiment to me, telling me that if it worked, it would create a super-agent with increased physical and psychological abilities and give us a huge advantage in the spying field. Q was very enthusiastic about it too, telling me that if we found someone willing to undergo the procedure, he would be the one to administer and supervise the process. I finally agreed and we started looking for candidates.”

“Didn’t you tell me that Bond was 64 at the time?” Tanner still couldn’t believe it but he still had questions. “Why were you considering him as a potential candidiate?”

“We weren’t, actually”, M said. “But then the Science and Innovations Department told us that the procedure had the ability to make people younger again - and so Bond’s age was not a problem, since he would go back to his younger self during the process.”

Tanner nodded, still very much unconvinced.

“We contacted Bond, who had been an amazing agent and didn’t seem to have adjusted super well to being retired. He immediately said yes and signed the papers. The next day was started the procedure.”

“But what was it? What did you do to him?” Tanner was furious. They had done something to James, something he hadn’t been allowed to tell him about, and now he’d seen James turn into… that thing, and he needed to know what had happened.

“Again, I’d like to make it clear that Bond agreed to be the test subject for this experiment.”

“Fuck off.”

M sighed, and continued.

“The experiment went extremely well. Bond had chosen to look like 37 and came out looking exactly like that. Everything that was supposed to change about him… changed.”

Tanner couldn’t keep it in anymore.

“What did you people do to him ?!”

Just at that moment, the door openend and the archivist, a woman in her mid-twenties wearing very colourful clothes and using a cane, walked in with the files M had requested.

“Ah, perfect, thank you”, M said as the archivist put down the files on her desk.

“You’re welcome”, the woman said. “Once you’re done with the files, please call me, I’ll come get them.”

“Will do”, M agreed.

The archivist smiled at M, nodded at Tanner, and left the room.

“What would we do without the archives?” M said. “Always right on time, and they get me the right file every time. Without them, nuclear war would already have happend.”

“I totally aggree”, Tanner said. “I’ve had to ask the archive for help quite a few times and they’ve been incredibly helpful every single time.”

“Hm-hm”, M agreed, opening the first file to the first page and sliding it over to Tanner.

Tanner read it through and turned mildly white. He felt his legs and amrs go numb but fought to stay awake. He knew that wasn’t good but he needed to know more.

“You turned him into… a… vampire?” Tanner stammered.

“Yes”, M said, as if this was a perfectly normal conversation.

“No”, Tanner uttered.

“Yes”, M repeated for lack of a better thing to say.

Tanner thought back to the conversation he and Bond had had after working out Bond’s Excel problem. _He tried to tell you_ , Tanner thought. _He tried to tell you and you didn’t listen._

“How could you?”

“He agreed, as I said before.”

“Does it have any negative effects?” Tanner asked.

“A slightly higher sensitivity to sunlight and silver”, M said. “And of course, he must be invited into any building or flat before he can enter safely.”

“That must be a problem during infilitration missions”, Tanner said.

M ignored the sarcasm.

“There are workarounds for that.”

The door opened and Moneypenny came in. She was holding what looked like a photograph.

“M”, she exclaimed, “I took a picture of Bond this morning and this is the fifth time I’ve tried developing it. Every time it shows everything but Bond. I have no explanation for this.”

“Ah”, M said. “Moneypenny, please sit. It seems there’s something I need to tell you.”

Moneypenny looked at Tanner, who nodded, and sat down next to him.

“As I was just telling Tanner”, M began, “we’ve been doing some experimenting.”


	26. Having a good time?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Bond's disappearance in the midst of the attack on Redfield's cave, Tanner is left wondering where Bond is.

Oct 11th

Bill  
Hey, hope it’s OK to text. You haven’t been around

in a while so I thought I’d check up on you.

Oct 18th

Bill  
Hey, it’s me again. I hope you’re alright. Just wanted

to tell you that I’m thinking of you.

Oct 19th

Bill  
Hey. So I know this sounds stupid but M wants me

to tell you to report in. I told her she should call

you but she wouldn’t hear me out. So yeah, I told

you. Sorry.

Oct 26th

Bill  
Hey, I’m really starting to worry, it’s been 3

weeks since anyone I asked last heard from

you. Are you alright?

Me  
Hey.

Me  
I’m OK don’t worry about me. I took a small

break to figure things out.

Bill  
Oh thank goodness. Glad to hear from you.

Where are you?

Me  
Uh, somewhere in, hold on

Me  
Cairngorms National Park?

Bill  
Having a good time?

Bill  
Oh Christ scrap that, sorry, didn’t think it

through

Me  
Haha don’t worry about it

Me  
Wanna meet up?

Bill  
Wish I could but I can’t really leave London

right now, I’m sorry

Me  
Oh I was planning to be back in Ldn by

tomorrow

Me  
Coffee? Before work?

Bill  
I’d rather go for drinks after work if you

don’t mind

Bill  
Sleep schedule stuff and all, ykwim

Me  
Sure no problem

Me  
I’ll be back at work tomorrow, meet in

the lobby at 5

Bill  
Works for me

Bill  
Thank you for texting back btw, I really

appreciate it.

Me  
I didn’t think you’d text me at all, actually.

Me  
Sorry that was dark

Bill  
No, I deserved that. I’m sorry for what I

said back in the cave.

Me  
You meant it.

Bill  
Yes. But I changed my mind. I hope I’m

not too late.

Me  
“Too late” is not a thing when you’re immortal, haha.

Seriously though, I think we can work this out.

Bill  
Can’t wait to be tomorrow at 5 then.

Me  
I’ll see you then. Take care.

Bill  
You too. Hope the trip back home goes

smoothly.

Me  
As long as there’s no drunks out there shooting

bats tonight I should be fine.

Bill  
Shit, what?? Be careful, alright?

Me  
I’m kidding!! I’m taking the train. Sorry,

couldn’t resist :-)

Bill  
Oh fuck, I almost passed out you idiot

Me  
Sorry I didn’t realise :-(

Bill  
Don’t worry I’m fine, I’m already in bed :)

Me  
Good. Sorry, gotta go - see you tomorrow

Bill  
Night

Me  
Night


	27. The little rotating dildoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bond is back at work after he took off to Scotland to collect himself, and finds that things have changed at the office. He and Tanner go for drinks.

It had gototen dark outside. Bond was stting at his desk, with his desk lamp and glasses on. Cursing under his bretah at ht e Excel sheet he was workig on, he wndered if te day would be over soon. Well, the workday at leasT;

His workday had been really hard. AS soon as he’d arvied M had called him to his office. He’d gotten a very stern talking to about how you can’t just fuck off after you’ve just freed a kidnapped coworker from a damp fucking cave. He’d agreed of course, because he genuinely thought she ws rigt - the only reason he’d flown away in the form of at least twelve bats was because Tanner’s words had distraught him. However, he couldn’t tell that to M since romances between ages where kinda forbidden, because of security reasons and stuff. You know. That’s classic agent shit, not gonna explain that here.

After that, Bond had been visited at his desk by Villiers, who’d very proudly shown him the shitty picture he’d drawn of Bond for the posters.

“I’ve seen those posters on the street”, Bond had said. “COuldn’t read the name of the missing person though… When I saw the picture all I thought was, poor bloke.”

Villires smiled.

“I had no idea the drawing was so expressive. DO you think I should save up for art school? Whta am I saying, of course I should! Omg from now on I’m saving yp and as soon as I can I’m quitting this job and becoming the next David Hockney. Thank you so much, Jaes!!”

Villiers had run off to his office before Bond could say anything else.

Money penny had comme around also, she’d told him about the picture she’d taken and Bond had turned a tad more bloddless in the face until she’d said.

“Don’t worry, M told us everything.”

Bond’s eyes had narrowed.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, the thing about you being a vampire now?” Moneypenny said with a face like that emoji showing its teeth in embarrasmment.

Bond cleared his throat.

“Good to know that hte whole office knows aboutt hat”, he sighed.

“Oh no no”, Money oenny added quicksly, “it’s only me, Villiers and Tanner.”

“Already three too much”, Bond grunted.

He looked up and saw that Moneymoney, how he thrills me haha, moneymoney, had a frightened look upon her faceth. He lifted a hand and uttered.

“Don’t worry I’m not gonna kill you or anything”, he said trying to calm her down.

“Yeah”, she said, “don’t say that kinda weirdly menacing shit to me again, will ya? It’s giving me the creeps.”

“Pormise”, Bond said, smiling.

“Cool”, she said, still very ill at ease. “I’ll go back to my office now. See you at… tea?”

“Sure thing”, Bond said.

Moneypenny had lef t after that and Bond had been working on mission reports and other admin things sicen. He had installed flux on his computer because the screen killed his eyes and it was already so much effort to make them look blue and not red. The whole day he tried to make Excel fun by coloring in the cells with funny colours, or calculating shit on unused parts of the Excel sheet, or even adding the tables he was working on to Word documents or - even harder - PowerPoint presentations without having it look like crap.

Now it was almost 4pm and people were getting ready for tea. Bond had promie Moneymoeny that he’d be there for tea but he’d forgotten that tea was at 4 and so was his meetup with Tanner. Bond spent the last five minutes staring at the huge clock outside his cubicle, focusing his gaze on the tiny clock hand that said the seconds. Tic. Tac. Tic. Tac. Tic. Tic. Wait, tic? No, the clock wasn’t going backwardS. But it didn’t matter cos at that precise moment the clock turned 4 and Bond was Alowd to leave.

He grabbed his msn bag and stuffed his stuff in it. He almost forgot his reading glasses but then remembered to take them with him. How would he read the little chalkboard witht the drinks without his glasses?

He took the elevator and arrived in the lobby just in time to see Tanner emerge from the staircase on the opposite side of the lobby. They saw each other immeditalty despite the sea of people at the info desk. Tanner smiled. Bond did the same.

They both waded through the endless masses of people in the lobby, got security checked, went through the little rotating dildoes and finally met outside. It was cold, even for October, and Bond was just a bit disappointed when he saw that Tanner was wearing a leather jacket. _Maybe he’ll need a second jacket later_ , he thought, and then tried not to laugh because this was a really funny joke.

“Hey”, Tanner said with a little embarrassed smile.

“Hey”, Bond said.

“Do you, er, want to go get drinks or something?” Tanner said.

“That’s what we were planning to do, I believe”, Bond said, his smile growing wider.

“Er, yeah, sure”, Tanner laughed nervously. “Do you know a place, or…?”

“I do”, Bond said. “Follow me.”

They walked into town for a while. Once or twice their hands brushed against each other and both Tznner and Bond didn’t know where to put them, so they both pocketed their hands and that was it for now.


	28. "You thoguht I was dad.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bond and Tanner reunite over a beer and a cheese platter. Secrets are revealed and questions are answered.

“So”, Tanner said after a while. “You’re a vampire, then.”

He ws tapping his pint nervously. All around them,people where chatting and drinking. The mmusic was very lud, which aloowed them to have this conversation in pylbic.

“I suppose that’s wat I am yes”, Bond replied faltlty. “And you have narcolepsy.”

Tanner snorted.

“Hardly the same thing though”, he said. “And I don’t think I owed you any kind of discolure regarding that when we went on our forst date.”

bond raised an eyebrow.

“Because you think I should’ve told you I’m a vampire from the start?”

“COurse I do”, Tanner said. “If I’m dating someone I’d rather know if they’re- you know. I think vampirism is big enough of a deal for yout o tell your dates about it.”

“And how would you have liked me to go about it?” Bond asked sarcastically. “Hello, nice to meet you, I’m James, would you like to go for drinks, what a nice arse you’ve got there, and oh, by the way, I’m dead and human blood is my main source of nutrients?”

Tanner sighed.

“No, of course not”, he said. “I’m sorry, you’re right. I apologise.”

Bond took a big gulp of his beer. Tey said nothing for alf a minute of so.

“You thought I was dead”, Tanner eventually said. “Back in the cave. I couldn’t move or speak but I could hear ou. You thoguht I was dad.”

Bond looked away, to the crwod of people dancing merrily and the liv band.

“Yes”, he replied. “I did.”

“I’m sorry I scared you with that”, Tanner said. “Maybe I shoudv’e told you before… before all of that hapnened.”

“No”, Bond sighed, looking back at Tanner. “Just because I fancy you doens’t mean I’m entitled to all your medical info. When I searched your flat I found your medical records on your desk. I didn’t read them because it’s none of my business.”

Tanner was grinning now. Bond was very happy to see someone value medical secrecy as much as he did.

“You fancy me?” Tanner, grinning even more.

“Isn’t that the reason why we’re out for drinks a lot?” Bond asked, suddeny a bit conufeds. “Because we fancy each other?”

Tanner laughed and downed half his pint. Bond watched him, fascinated.

“Well, yes”, Tanner said once he’d gotten his breath back. “I guess we haven’t told each other before, that’s all.”

“Well”, Bond said, “I told you, back in the grotto, but you probably forgot about it after your sleep attack.”

Tanner’s face turned a bit red.

“I’m very much into you - but not in a food way”, he added. Tanner’s face indicated that this was not the best way to phrase this.

“So am I”, Tanner said, “and not in a food way, either. Or rather, yes, in a snacking way.”

Bond laughed out loud and took a sip of his beer.

“Enough about me though”, he said. “I read up about narcolepsy. DO you mind if I ask soem questions? Feel free to refuse to answer them.”

“Sure, go ahead”, Tanner said, looking around for a waiter to brign anpther cheese platter; “but I’ll have my own questions about vampirism then.”

“That’s ontl fair”, Bond conceded. “Have you had the diagnossis for long? I read that some people have to wait years for it.”

“I was diagnosed in my late 20’s,”, Tanner replied. “I was having trouble at work and my GP ended up referring me for a sleep study.”

The music was loud and the people on the dancefloor were getting excstatisc. Bond took another gulp of the beer. The cheese platter arrived and they both started picking mozzarella sticks and other thigns out and eating them.

“That must’ve been a hard time in your life, dealing with that sudden diagnosis and the changes it entailed.”

“It was”, Tanner nodded. “I still struggle with it, to be honest wth you. But the job I have now is nice and accomodating so, that’s goood, you know.”

Bonnd nodded.

“Do you take any medication for it?”

Tanner smiled in a “this sounds like an interrogation” way.

“As a matter of fact I do”, he said. “I take stuff to keep me awake and stuff to make me sleep at night.”

“Wow”, Bond said. “You wouldn’t think you’d need sleeping pills when you’ve got narcolepsy.”

“If I had a penny”, Tanner sighed and took a sip of his beer. His fingers were greasy from the cheese and left fingerprints on the glass. “Anything else you want to know?”

“Yes”, Bond said. “Only one more thing. What do I do if you get one of sleep attacks? How do I help you, or just keep you safe?”

Tanner looked him in the eye for a second, with that smile Bond couldn’t get enough of.

“The main thing is that I can’t be standing up, becasue I’ll fall over and hurt myslef. I can be seated, that usually works, or lying down - with the added risk that I might fall asleep and wake up much later. Otherwise, just stay with me and make sure no one hurts me.”

“Has that happened before?” Bond asked.

Tanner looked away.

“Yes.”

Bond put his hand on Tanner’s, slowly. Tanner looked back at him, mildldy startled.

“I’m sorry”, Bond said.

Tanner gave him an embarrassed smile and added:

“When I wake back up I love a cup of tea. You do what you want with that information.”

Bond chuckled.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Now, your turn. What do you want to know?”

Tanner downed the last of his beer and looked around for a waiter again.

“Not here”, he said. “Let’s go for a walk. If you’re ok with that?”

“Sure”, Bond said. “I’ll get the check though.

He got up much too quickly for a human being and rushed to the counter to pay. He knew that Tanner was eyeing his arse and was very happy with that.


	29. the gigantic clock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bond and Tanner end their date in a rather unusual place.

“Coem on”, Tanner said once, they wer outiside the pub place. “I know a good spot.”

“I’ll follow you whereever youg o”, Bond replied teasingly.

Tanner had already turned around to strt walkng, but turned around to Bond again with a raised eyebrow. Then he said:

“Thans for the drinks and the cheses by the way.”

“My pleasure”, Bond said.

“I’ll be paying next time”, Tanner announced.

“Will you now?” Bond teased again. “I’d love to see you outrun my vampire supernatural speed.”

“DOn’t tell me you watch that crap”, Tanner scoffed.

“What?”

“Supernatural. You watch that show?”

Bond shrugged, he’d been unaware of any controversy around that show. But then he was only at season 1 episode 9.

“It’s not worth it”, Tanner saighed. “They’ll never make Destiel canon.”

“Who’s Destiel”, asked Bond, “and why should he be made a saint?”

Tanner looked at him incredously fr a split secod, then laughed.

“Sorry, you have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?”

“No”, Bond said. “And I’m only in the middle of season 1, anyway.”

“Why did you start watchig it?” Taner asked.

“Because I’m catching up on recent vampire media”, Bond said. “For personal research… and entertainment.”

They’d begun walking, Tanner leading the way to the spot h e wnated to take Bod to. The streets were crowded - it was Friday night after all - and they had to elbow a few people because the big part of the crowd was movng towards them, not with them. A few times Bond considered elbowing people in a vampire way, which meant that a few of them would probably end up having a dip in the Thames, but then he figured that Tanner might think it wasn’t a cool thing to do, and Bond didn’t want to ruin Tanner’s nigt. He seemed to be enjoying himself, and Bond was enjoying himself too. So that was good. And worth dealing with people in the old-sashioned human wy.

Soon enough Tannner stopped and turned back to Bond, sayign “Ta-daaaa!”

Bond looked uop. They were standing right at the foot of Big Ben. And not just because I couldn’t think of another London vantage point - because I can: Canary thingie, London Eye, uhhhhh, the queen’s house, uuh, oh YES the tower and tower bridge are also very high. But no, Tanner had lead Bond to Big Ben for a specific reason.

“I’m super into clockmaking”, Tanner announced, “and I have a big favour to ask of you.”

Bond smiled. He knew what was coming.

“Yes?” he said, for the dramatic effect he knew Tanner was expecting.

“You’re a vampire, right?”

Tanner then realised he’d said that in a louder voice than he’d meant to, and had a quick glance around to make sure no one had heard anything. But the area around Big Ben was inexplicably less crowded than the streets around it. Where had the tourists gone? Maybe they were watching the Destiel canon episode that was airing. Time is fake, especially in this work of Art.

“Yes, I am”, Bod nodded.

“So technically, you could carry me on your back and fly us up right next to the face of the clock, right?” Tanner asked, smiling nervously now that he’d heard his request out loud and realised how weird it sounded when you omitted the vampire part.

“Like in Twilight, basically, right?” Bond asked, grinning.

“You know Twilight?” Tanner laughed.

“I’ve seen all the movies and read all the books”, Bond said. “Again, I want to see what pop culture knows and what it has made up about vampires.”

Tanner came closer to Bond and put his arms around his neck.

“Well, in that case”, he said softly, “yes, like in Twilight. Would you? Ever since I was a kid I’ve wanted to see Big Ben up close.”

“I’d be happy to”, Bond said. “You better hold on tight, spider monkey.”

Tanner’s laughter was suddenly cut when the power of the lift-off caused him to stop breathing for a split second. Bond had jumped into the air and was now climbing the Elisabeth Tower with ease. He made almost no sound while climbing, the only things that could be heard were the fabric of his clothes rubbing against itself, and Tanner’s gasps. The climb seemed to take no time at all, and soon they had arrived on the little ledge just underneath the huge clock. Bond delicately set Tanner down.

“Don’t look down”, he said before Tanner could do anything.

“I’ll try my best”, Tanner said. He was shaking a little.

“Are you alright?” Bond asked, frowning.

“Yes”, Tanner said, “if we don’t stay too long. This is going to sound stupid but I forgot I’m scared of heights…”

Bond chuckled.

“You think I’m an idiot?” Tanner asked, visibly disappointed.

“No, I think you’re very sweet”, Bond replied truthfully. “You were so happy about seeing the clock up close that you forgot about your fear of heights, that’s adorable.”

Tanner smiled, and turned to the gigantic clock just above them. He marveled before it. Bond didn’t look at the clock once. He watched Tanner and suddenly realised that he felt very, very happy.

In a very fortunate series of events though, Bond did end up glancing at the clock at some point. When he realised what he saw, his eyes widened and the battery that functioned as his heart lit up brightly.

“Bill”, he said, “we have to go, now.”

Tanner turned around, frowning.

“Why? We only just got here.”

“I’ll bring you back whenever you want, even in just five minutes. But we have to leave _now_.”

“James, what’s going on?”

Bond walked aover to Tanner and put his hands on his arm and shoulder.

“Look at the time”, he said quickly.

Tanner did as he was told. His eyes widened.

“Let’s go”, he said hastily.

Bond grabbed Tanner and swung him on his back. Tanner held on tight and Bond threw himself off the legde, aiming for the closest tower of the House of Parliament. Behind them, Big Ben suddenly exploded into a deafening chime concert. As they were in mid-air, the first strike of the Great Bell sounded. It was midnight.


	30. Epildoue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For her birthday, Tanner's mum has invented the whole family to lunch. But no one in the family has met Bill's husband yet, and no one except his mum is really keen to. How will Bill and James handle it?

Tanener sstepped out of his vaauxhall and locked his behind him. It was cold but not freezing on this nice spring evenign - the sun was gtting longer, and logner, like and oval in the sky, so that it could make sure that the days became longer, too.

Tanner walked up tot he litle small paviilloon and looedk around him everywher. It was still sa he rememebre red it. The drive to Brixtersham Hill had be a trop down memory lane nad he’d almost driven off the road and itnot a driven tree when he’d seen that Melanie, his middle school crsh, , whas still living here and walked along the road preciaslely at the at moment. _What a stupid way to die_ , he’d tought before pulling back u to the roas to continue his journey. Now he was almost there. All he neede dtto do was knowk on the door. Oh, and hde the flowers he was bringign behind his back, at least for a second or two.

He knocked. He ehard a commotion isnside, then the door opened. A woman in her ealry 70s was standing in teh doroway, smilng.

“Bill!”, she exclamied. “I’m so gla dyou made it!”

“Hi, Mum”, Tanner said rigtht befoer shhe crushed him into a hug.

“Oh, you brought me flowers?” she said in the same voice again. “That is so sweet. ANd my favourite, a thtat. I’ll put them into a vase right awaay so thay don’t go bad.”

Somehow Tanner found himself still standing on the threshold, but alone and now flowerless. He chuckled and stepped into the house, closing the front doo r bheing him. His sister, Liz, emerged from the living room and punched him in the arm.

“You’re late, brother dear”, she said with a chuckled. SHe knew Tanner hated it when she called him than.

“Yes, well, “ he said, “at least I won’t be the last one to be arrive. James had to take care of somethign so he’s gonna be here as soon as he can.”

Liz raised both eyebrows.

“James?”

Tanner sighed and took off his coat.

“Liz, don’t make this awkward. You know who James is. I told you lot over the phone.”

Liz suddenly covered her mouth with her right hand.

“Shit”, she said, “Billy I’m so sorry. Of course I know, and I really cannot wait to meet him. Really, I swear.”

“Its fine”, Tanner said, smiling that very specific smile of “I know your homophobic but please be normal tonight I’m begging”.

Liz smiled and patted his arm.

“It’s gonna go fine, I”m sure”, she reassured him. Tanner suspected it was her she was trying to reassure.

“It’s starting off really well indeed”, he mumbled, taking off his shoues.

Liz frowned, mildly offended at the implication that she might be a homophobe.

“Well”, she said, “in any case, Dad’s made his special Boeuf bourguignon tonight, in case you were wondering what we’d eat.”

“I was, actually”, Tanner said, standing back yp after having put hisshoes away. “Tahnks. HAas DA arrived yet?”

“Yup”, Lis said. “He’s in the kichten with Dad.”

“I’’lll join you in a minute”, Tanner said.

Liz nodde and went to the kitchen. Tanner went to the loo and got out his phone while he pissed. He opened his texts and started typing one.

_Me_   
_Ok so here’s what I know so far_

_Me_   
_Liz & Dan are here and dad made boeuf bourguignon for dinner._

_Jimbo_   
_I love boeuf bourguignon haha. Did u get any vibes from Liz or Dan?_

_Me_   
_Liz forgot who u were :/ haven’t talked to DAn yet_

_Jimbo_   
_Let me know when you have_

_Me_   
_Will do. Hope the shed isn’t too uncomfortable, i’m so sorry_

_Jimbo_   
_Don’t worry about it, nothing’s uncomfortable when you’re made of fog_

_Me_   
_How can fog be texting me back?_

_Jimbo_   
_The same way fog can be sucking your dick_

_Me_   
_Jesus I’m at my parents house idiot_

_Jimbo_   
_I know you are, I’m in your parents garden shed_

_Me_   
_What the hell are we doing here we should never have accepted their invitation_

_Jimbo_   
_Don’t worry, tit’s gonna go breat. I love you <5_

_Me_   
_It’s <3, love_

_Jimbo_   
_My bad. See you soon_

_Me_   
_See you <3 I love you too._

Tanner put away his phone, finished his business and washed his hands in the tiny corner sink. He was dreading going to the kitchen but there was no way around it, and James couldn’t spend the whole evening in the shed, especially now that Tanner had told Liz that he was on his way to the house.

He left tthe loo and entered the kitchen, leaving himself no time to come up with an excuse to leave. His dad was sitting in front of the oven eating popcorn and Dan was haaving one of his gross beers. Liz was helping their Mum set the table in the living room.

“Hey, Bill!”, said Dan. “No time long see!”

“Dan”, Tanner acknowledged. “Still drinking the same crap, I see.”

Their dad looked up to Tanner.

“Come on, Bill, don’t start the evening off with that bullshit.”

Tanner raised both hands to show he was yielding.

“Sorry, that wasn’t fair”, he said apologetically, looking at Dan. “How have you been?”

Dan smield.

“Great”, he said. “Kate and I are moving next month, for her new job.”

“COngratulations! Where to?”

Dan looked at his dad, who smiled but kept watching the oven.

“Alaska”, Dan said with a smug smile.

tanner didn’t know what tot say for a second.

“Wow”, he said, trying to take in the news of his older brother movign to Alsaka. All he could manage was a small nervous chuchle. Dan was very pleased with his effect.

“I know, right?” Dan said. “She got an offer to work in Anchorage, apparently they’ve got a nice airport there. DIdn’t even know they had airports in Alaksa.”

Their dad scoffed but still didn’t look up from his boeurf bourhguignon.

“That’s quite the move”, Tanner said.

“It’s not like she’s got a choice”, Dan said, suddenly more serious. “They don’t need ATCs for the ruins of a blown-up airport, do they.”

Tanner looked down, feeling the whole family’s stare on him. He knew that even Liz and his mum were staring because you could here what was said in the kitchen from the living room. The uncomfortable silence was broken by Liz, who walked into the kitchen and made everything worse.

“So, Bill, when’s your husband joining us?”

Tanner felt a hint of stress appear in his chest. His fists closed around his phone in his right pocket, and around his pillbox in his left pocket. He could sense that no one wanted to hear the answer to that question, but to leave it unanswered would have been rude. He thought he heard his dad sigh when he said:

“He should be here in 5 minutes or so.”

The silence did not stop with that. Dan took a big gulp of his beer. He probably thought it made him manlier. Eventually their mum joined them in the kitchen and announned that the apéritif was ready. Tanner pressed the “send” button on his phone in his pocket.

_Me_   
_Apéritif is ready and no unexpected crucifixes u can come to the door_

Two minutes later the doorbell rang. Tanner’s mum got up from the coach but tann”e,s, who was standing by the door to the entrance, told her he’d get it.

He opened the front door. James was outside, impeccably dressed but not overdressed, wearing a beige chino and a blakc turtleneck, with a leather jacket.

“You look smart”, Tanner said flirtily.

James laughed.

“Can we do this inside? Your parents still have the heating on.”

“We could”, Tanner said, “but I’m the one who decides when you get to come in.”

James grinned.

“I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you.”

Before Tanner could say anything, his mother had appeared behind him.

“Oh, you must be James”, she said enthusiastically. “Do come in, darling, you must be cold.”

James stepped in and winked at Tanner when he passed him. Tanner laughed and closed the door.

They all moved to the living room, where everyone had stood up to meet James.

“Everyone, this is my husband, James”, Tanner said. Then he turned to James and said: “James, this is my family.”

The next few minutes where a choas of people shaking hands, introducing themselves and complimenting each other. James had brought flowers as well, and miraculously they matched the flowers Tanner had brought perfectly. Once everyone was seated and equipped with alcohol in some form or another, Tanner’s mum stood up and everyone turned to look at her.

“Everyone”, she began, “thank you so much for coming here today to celebrate my 70th birthday. It means a lot to me.”

She looked at all the faces around the room.

“I wanted this to be a small celebration because, as you know, I don’t love crowds and I’m most comfortable in my own living room with the people I love and my husband’s boeuf bourguignon.”

Everyone chuckled.

“I’m very happy, too, that this is the occasion Bill chose to introduce us to his husband, James. James, I am very happy to meet you.”

Tanner and James looked at each other, smiling.

“My wish for today”, Tanner’s mum concluded, “is for everyone to have a good time, and enjoy the food, and then to leave me alone after 6 because I want to watch CSI.”

Everyone laughed out loud this time. Tanner’s dad ran to the kitchen after Liz had remarked that it started to smell of burnt. Dan helped his mum finish setting the table for the meal. Tanner and James went into the hall thing part of the house.

“She’s gonna ask you about our last name”, Tanner said, “about how we met, about your job, about your family, about everything. Just remember to always answer her question but never add anything she could grab onto, don’t tell her about the office, don’t tell her about you being a va-”

James grabbed Tanner’s hands.

“Bill”, he said gently. “Don’t worry, I’ve got this. You’ve got this. Okay?”

Tanner noticed his hands were shaking.

“James, I don’t think this was a good idea.”

James bent down and tenderly kissed Tanner’s right hand.

“It’s gonna be fine, I promise”, he said, and Tanner felt the anxiety in his chest shrink a little. “I can deal with your mother, she’s gonna love me. Don’t worry.”

“It’s Liz and Dan I’m worried about”, Tanner sighed.

“Whatever happens”, James said, “we’re doing this together.”

He smiled. Tanner smiled back, pulled James closer to him and kissed him. James chuckled into the kiss, which made Tanner feel a bit lighter still.

“I love you”, James said, kissing his neck.

“I love you too”, Tanner breathed.

Right at that moment, Dan came into the hall.

“Hey, the food is ready so-”

He stopped mid-sentence, staring at Tanner and James, frozen on the spot.

“Thank you, Dan”, James said, not moving away from Tanner. “We’ll be joining you at the table shortly. Would you be so kind as to check the wine cellar for a nice red wine for me and Bill? I’m feeling a bit fancy today.”

Dan looked at Tanner, then back at James. You could literally read the word “confusion” on his forehead.

“Er, yes, of course”, he said, sounding relieved to have been given something to do. “I’ll be right back.”

And he fled down the corridor to the cellar door like a fox who’d just seen Death.

“Holy shit, James. That was amazing.”

James laughed a fake laugh.

“I know. I am amazing.”

Tanner put his arms around James’ neck.

“Oh, James”, he moaned. “What a mysterious and sexy man you are.”

James snorted and slapped Tanner’s arse. They both went back into the living room, still giggling, and Tanner felt at ease for the rest of the day. Dan, however, seemed to grow more and more awkward as Tanner relaxed. But for once, Tanner didn’t give a fuck about it.


End file.
